Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!

Doctor: Don’t worry about it. You’ll pass eventually.

Liz: I’m the examiner!

You might be a redneck if…

Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.

You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

Bikers back down from your momma.

You were shooting pool when your kids were born.

Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.

You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

You’ve ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.

You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

Q: How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One–but he has to wait until the light is better.

Q: How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but first they have to rewire the entire building.

Q: How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two–one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to the old bulb.

Q: How many managing editors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: You were supposed to have changed that lightbulb last week!

Q: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. The invisible hand does it.

Q: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. “There is no need to change the lightbulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place. Recent surveys show growing confidence in the lightbulb lighting up again.”

Q: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, because, look! It’s getting brighter! It’s definitely getting brighter!

Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.

Flugg’s Law: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.

Fourth Law of Applied Terror: The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor’s course.

Fourth Law of Revision: It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences; if you have none, someone will make one for you.

Franklin’s Rule: Blessed is the end user who expects nothing, for he/she will not be disappointed.

Freeman’s Commentary on Ginsberg’s theorem: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg’s Theorem. To wit: 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.

Fresco’s Discovery: If you knew what you were doing, you’d probably be bored.

Fudd’s First Law of Opposition: Push something hard enough and it will fall over.

How many balls of string would it take to reach the moon?
Just one if it’s long enough!

What cheese is made backwards?
Edam?

This match won’t light!

That’s funny, it did this morning!

What do elves do after school?
Gnomework!

If Ireland sank into the sea, what county wouldn’t sink?
Cork!

How do we know that the Earth won’t come to an end?
Because it’s round!

How did your mum know you hadn’t washed your face?
I forgot to wet the soap!