This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, “I’m a walking economy.”

The friend asks, “How so?”

“My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!”

Murphy Laws For Frequent Flyers

No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

Q: How many Lacanians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three-one to do it, one to desire it, and the ignorant Other.

Note: Jacques Lacan (1901-82) was a prominent French psychoanalyst and theorist who is very influential with literary critics at the moment. This relates to his theories.)

Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends whether the switch is on or off.

Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If the switch is off, one. If the switch is on, any number, until one of them figures out to turn it off.

Q: How many deaf blind people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Depends on whether or not you can get them to notice the darkness…

Q: How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I don’t know, but I can look it up for you.

Q: How many cataloguers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but the Library of Congress has to do it first.

Q: How many NBC news producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to drill a hole in the light bulb so it blows up when he turns it on, one to film it, and one to insist on the truth of the report despite the manipulation.

Q: How many Supreme Court Justices does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine-three to form a plurality, two to concur in part, two to dissent one to concur in part and dissent in part with the plurality opinion, and the last to concur with the dissenters in part.

Thank you for calling the Peoria Weather Line. (Insert appropriate weather report for the season here.)

Hi, can I speak to Mark?… Oh, there isn’t?… I’m sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number.

A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.

“That’s a lot of chicks,” commented the proprietor. “I mean business,” the city slicker replied.

A week later the yuppie was back again. “I need another 100 chicks,” he said. “Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming,” the man told him.

“Yeah,” the yuppie replied. “If I can iron out a few problems.” “Problems?” asked the proprietor. “Yeah,” replied the yuppie, “I think I planted that last batch too close together.”