A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop.
After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didn’t stop, he just slowed down a little.
The gentleman said ‘Stop or slow down, what’s the difference?’.
The cop pulled the guy out of the car and hit him with a nightstick for about a minute and then said, ‘Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?’
Why call then hot water heaters if the water is already hot?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?
Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?
How did a fool and his money GET together?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight - an old gallows. The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion. “You see that, I reckon,” said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. “And now where would you be if the gallows had its due?” “Riding alone,” coolly replied Paddy.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, “Johnson, the pole vault,” and was admitted.
The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, “McTavish, the hammer.” He was also admitted.
The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, “O’Sullivan, fencing.”
OLD POSTAL CARRIERS never die, they just lose their zip
OLD PRINTERS never die, they’re just not the type
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just byte it
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just decompile
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just get bugged with life
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just go to bits
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just lose their memory
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just move to new addresses
OLD PROGRAMMING WIZARDS never die, they just recurse
OLD PROPANE TANKS never die, they just run out of gas
OLD PROSITUTES never die, they just fake away…
OLD PUNTERS never die, they just go horse
OLD QUARTERBACKS never die, they just fade back and pass away
OLD QUILTERS never die, they just go to pieces
OLD QUILTERS never die, they just go under cover
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
LOS ANGELES TIMES, September 14:
According to a database maintained by Academic Guidance Services, there are 3,000 scholarships earmarked for golf caddies, newspaper carriers, glee clubbers, and band members.
Juanita College in Pennsylvania gives grants to needy left-handers.
Parents whose children were born on June 12, 1979 can plan ahead to apply for a scholarship to the Rochester Institute of Technology in honor of the school’s 150th anniversary.
Bucknell University gives grants to students who do not use alcohol, tobacco, or narcotics and don’t engage in strenuous activities.
A judge in Seattle uses the fines he collects from prostitutes to finance scholarships for their reformed sisters who want to return to school.
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets)
If you’re from Boston:
You’ll know who the cahdnal is, how to take the T to JP and what the blinking red light atop the old Hancock Building means in the summer (in winter it means snow is due).
If you’re smaht, you’ll never get cahded at the packie (liquor,or packagestore).
You only eat italian sausage outside Fenway Pahk before a Sox game with mustid, peppahs-n-onions.
You might be from Boston if…
You think of Philadelphia as the midwest.
You think it’s your God-given right to cut someone off in traffic.
You think there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R’s).
You think three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heat wave.
All your pets are named after Celtics or Bruins.
You refer to 6 inches of snow as a “dusting.”
Just hearing the words “New York” puts you in an angry mood.
You don’t think you have an attitude.
You always ‘bang a left’ as soon as the light turns green, and oncoming traffic always expects it.
Everything in town is “a five minute walk.”
When out of town, you think the natives of the area are all whacked.
You still can’t bear to watch highlights from game 6 of the 1986 World Series.
You have no idea what the word compromise means.
You believe using your turn signal is a sign of weakness.
You don’t realize that you walk and talk twice as fast as everyone else.
You’re anal, neurotic, pessimistic & stubborn.
You think if someone is nice to you, they must want something, or are from out of town.
Your favorite adjective is “wicked.”
You think 63 degree ocean water is warm.
You think the Kennedy’s are misunderstood.
Dumb Massachusetts Laws
At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches.
Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.
All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday. (Repealed)
Hunting on Sundays is prohibited.
It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.
It is illegal to reproach Jesus Christ or the holy ghost. (MGL Chapter 272 section 36)
It’s illegal to keep a mule on the second floor of a building not in a city unless there are 2 exits. (MGL Chapter 272 section 86)
It’s illegal to sell fewer than 24 ducklings at a time before May 1, or to sell rabbits, chicks, or ducklings that have been painted a different color. (MGL Chapter 272 Section 80D)
It’s illegal to allow someone to use stilts while working on the construction of a building. (MGL Chapter 149 Section 129B)
It’s illegal to drive Texan, Mexican, Cherokee, or Indian cattle on a public road. (MGL Chapter 129 Section 35)
No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car.
Tattooing and body piercing is illegal. (Repealed October 2000)
Children may smoke, but they may not purchase cigarettes.
Tomatoes may not be used in the production of clam chowder.
Quakers and witches are banned.
Bullets may not be used as currency.
Massachusetts liquor stores can only open on Sundays if they are in Berkshire, Essex, Franklin, Middlesex or Worcester counties and are within 10 miles of the Vermont or New Hampshire borders.
Alcoholic drink specials are illegal.
Affiliation with the Communist party is illegal.
Public boxing matches are outlawed.
It is unlawful to injure a football goal post, doing so is punishable by a $200 fine
Defacing a milk carton is punishable by a $10 fine.
It is illegal to frighten a pigeon.
Boston
It is illegal to play the fiddle.
Two people may not kiss in front of a church.
No more than two baths may be taken within the confines of the city.
No one may cross the Boston Common without carrying a shotgun in case of bears.
Anyone may let their sheep and cows graze in the public gardens/commons at any time except Sundays.
It is illegal to eat peanuts in church.
An old law prohibits the taking of baths on Sunday.
Duels to the death permitted on the common on Sundays provided that the Governor is present.
Women may not wear heels over 3 inches in length while on the common.
No one may take a bath without a prescription.
It is illegal for any citizen to own more than three dogs.
Burlington
You may not walk around with a “drink”.
Cambridge
It is illegal to shake carpets in the street, or to throw orange peels on the sidewalk (section 12.16.100).
It costs $50 extra for a permit for hurling, soccer or Gaelic football games in a public park on a Sunday. (section 12.20.030)
Hingham
You may not have colored lights on your house if it can be seen from Main Street. Only white lights may be visible.
If you live on Main Street and want to paint your house, the colors must be approved by the historical society.
Hopkinton
Though horses and cows are allowed on the common, dogs are prohibited.
Longmeadow
It is illegal for two men to carry a bathtub across the town green.
Marlboro
It is illegal to buy, sell or possess a squirt gun.
Silly string is illegal in the city limits.
One may not detonate a nuclear device in the city.
It is illegal for any citizen to own more than two dogs.
Milford
Peeping in the windows of automobiles is forbidden.
Newton
All families must be given a hog from the town’s mayor.
North Andover
An ordinance prohibits the use of space guns.
Woburn
In bars, it is actually illegal to “walk around” with a beer in your hand. (Repealed)
The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, “What do you have in there, pal?”
“A mongoose.”
“What for?”
“Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I’m scared to death of snakes. That’s why I got this mongoose, for protection.”
“But,” the friend said, “you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes.”
“That’s okay,” said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, “So is the mongoose.”