The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket.

The deadline is one week after the original deadline.

The deficiency will never show itself during the test run.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

The difference between a stepping stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

The difference between art and science is that if something works in art, you don’t have to explain why.

The difficulty with a research grant is that if you solve the problem, you’re out of a job.

The early bird who catches the worm usually works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.

The early worm deserves the bird.

The easier it is to do, the harder it is to change.

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, “Religion?”

The man says, “Methodist.”

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, “Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.”

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. “Religion?”

“Baptist.”

“Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.”

A third man arrives at the gates. “Religion?”

“Jewish.”

“Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.”

The man says, “I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?”

St. Peter tells him, “Well the Jehovah’s Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they’re the only ones here.

Why is Russia a very fast country?
Because the people are always Russian!

How do you cure a headache?
Put your head through a window and the pane will just disappear!

What did one virus say to another?
Stay away! I think I’ve got penicillin!

What happens when plumbers die?
They go down the drain!

Your ugly.
And you’re drunk.
Yes, but in the morning I’ll be sober!

How do you stop a cold getting to your chest?
Tie a knot in your neck!

What is the fastest thing in water?
A motor pike!

Oregon: Spotted Owl … It’s What’s For Dinner

Dumb Oregon Laws
Dishes must drip dry.
The “Peer Review Statute” prohibits you from finding out details of any written or oral discussion about your medical treatment. Not even a court of law can. All you can access is what the doctor or nurse voluntarily records in your chart.
It is illegal to buy or sell marijuana, but it is legal to smoke it on your own property.
Ice cream may not be eaten on Sundays.
You may not pump your own gas in service stations.
One may not bathe without wearing “suitable clothing,” i.e.,that which covers one’s body from neck to knee.
Canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing.
Beaverton
You must buy a $10 permit to be allowed to install a burglar alarm.
Eugene
It is illegal to show movies or attend a car race on Sundays. (Repealed in the 1970s)
It is legal to conduct a horse race or a symphony concert.
Hood River
Juggling is strictly prohibited without a license.
Klamath Falls
It’s illegal to walk down a sidewalk and knock a snakes head off with your cane.
Portland
It’s against the law for a wedding ceremony to be performed at a skating rink. (Repealed in 1989)
People may not whistle underwater.
You cannot wear roller skates in restrooms.
Marion
Ministers are forbidden from eating garlic or onions before delivering a sermon.
Myrtle Creek
One may not box with a kangaroo.
Salem
Women may not wrestle in Salem.
Springfield
It is illegal to own a reptile within the city limits, unless you are a school or city, as a pet.
Stanfield
Cloth towel dispensers are banned from restrooms.
No more than two people may share a single drink.

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde robbed a supermarket. As they were stealing, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening. He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store. There they found three sacks to hide in. When the police officer checked there, he examined each sack.

He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says “meow” in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next.

When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says “woof” in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag.

He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts “potato” to the officer.

“Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.”

“I’m out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?”

“Happiness is a belt-fed weapon”

“3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.”

“2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.”

“I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. ”

“MY CHILD was trustee of the month at ELMWOOD!!”

BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!!

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.