McNally was taking his first plane ride, flying over the Rocky Mountains. The stewardess handed him a piece of chewing gum. “It’s to keep your ears from popping at high altitudes,” she explains.

When the plane landed McNally rushed up to her. “Miss,” he said,

“I’m meetin’ me wife right away. How do I get the gum out of me ears?”

Kelly was standing in front of Cohan’s Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street. He ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake with a jerk.

Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man approaching him, “I stopped it!”

“I know, you idiot!” said the man. “I was pushing it!”

Bumper Sticker:

If all else fails

read the instructions

(The Bible)

Bumper Sticker:

Prepare for your FINALS

Read the Bible

Clara: My pastor is so good he can talk on any subject for an hour.

Sarah: That’s nothing! My pastor can talk for an hour without a subject!

At an atheist funeral: Here lies an atheist, all dressed up and nowhere to go.

When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.

When I don’t do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.

When I do it without being told, I’m trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.

When I please my boss, that’s brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that’s co-operating.

When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don’t need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

A witch joke
What has handles and flies?
A witch in a dustbin!

A cannibal joke
Why don’t cannibals eat weathermen?
Because they give them wind!

A witch joke
What is evil and ugly and bounces?
A witch on a trampoline!

A Halloween joke
What do stupid kids do at Halloween?
They carve a face on an apple and go bobbing for pumpkins!

A witch joke
Why did the witch put her broom in the wash?
She wanted a clean sweep!

A ghost joke
What are little ghosts dressed in when it rains?
Boo-ts and ghoul-oshes!

A vampire joke
How does a vampire like his food served?
In bite sized pieces!

The Information Highway Blues

My baby’s got my 486.

My cellular phone’s on the blink.

My fax’s gone off to fax heaven,

And Pay For View stinks.

I got the blues, I got the Information Highway bluuuuues.

I got the bluuuuues, I got the Information Highway blues.

I lost my account on the Internet.

My email’s been revoked.

My modem’s stuck at 300 baud,

And my terminal just blinks.

I got the blues, I got the Information Highway bluuuuues .

I got the bluuuuues, I got the Information Highway blues.

My head spins from Virtual Reality.

I don’t have Video on demand.

I can’t read my Personal Newspaper,

And Shop At Home has kinks.

I missed the on-ramp, to the Information Highway bluuuues.

I missed the onnnn-ramp, to the Information Highway blues.

Jack “Blues” Jung, Toronto, September 1994.

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Ahmed!
Ahmed who?
Ahmedeus Motzart!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Alaska!
Alaska who?
Alaska my friend the question then!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Aida!
Aida who?
Aida lot of sweets and now I’ve got tummy ache!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Al!
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open this door!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Aladdin!
Aladdin who?
Aladdin the street wants a word with you!