The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
February 10, 1993
Dennis Payne, 30, was arrested as a pickpocket at a Jersey City, N.J., train station, his 135th arrest in New Jersey and New York City since 1978. Police said it took a computer more than a half-hour to print out Payne’s arrest record.
Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post?
A: A goal post that can’t march.
Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he’ll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
Q: What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
A: A goalpost that can’t march.
Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
A: “Hi. I did that piece in junior high.”
Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he’ll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
Q: How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
A: Have them miss every other note.
Q: What is the difference between a french horn section and a ‘57 Chevy?
A: You can tune a ‘57 Chevy.
Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
A: “Hi. I played that last year.”
A man walks into a bar one day and asks, “Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?”
“Yeah, I do!” a biker says, standing up. “What about it?”
“Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him…”
“What are you talkin’ about?!” the biker says, disbelievingly. “How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?”
“Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog’s throat!”
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Bolton!
Bolton who?
Bolton the door!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Bolzano!
Bolzano who?
Bolzano the door!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Boo!
Boo who?
Don’t cry it’s only a joke!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Borg!
Borg who?
Borg out of my mind!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Brad!
Brad who?
Brad news I’m afraid!
This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your dog when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment.
A. Fill in the blanks
1. [xxx] is not food.
Spiders; bandaids; ivy and airplane plants; Xmas ornaments; the carved
jack-o-lantern; plants from the aquarium; cat litter box contents; laundry
detergent boxes (esp. not when full!); toothpaste (tube and all); remote
controls; linoleum; eyeglasses; books; stockings; the tar shingles on my
house; chicken wire; bizarre plants; disposable razors; rocks; Lego; dirty
Kleenex; the baby’s used diaper; Christmas stockings; soda pop cans;
fiberglass insulation stuffed up the chimney; the underwear in the clothes
hamper; Mommy’s hair accessories; Mommy’s catnip teabags; unopened honey
packets; staples; Christmas stockings; credit cards, CDs, and
other thin plastic things.
2. I will not lift my leg to the [xxx].
Anything growing in the vegetable garden; house corner; new boyfriend;
mailman; woodstove; subordinate pack members; Grandma’s plush chair; the
conformation judge; good-looking neighbour man that Mommy is trying to
impress; Daddy in the lawn chair.
3. I recognize that [xxx] has a right to exist.
The humans’ shoes; the human’s cats; the aquarium; 3rd grade art projects
(even if they are made of macaroni shells); the other dog(s); the TV remote
control; the human’s little humans; the bath mitt; Rolling Stone magazine;
large patterns on wallpaper;
4. [xxx] is not a toy.
The humans’ shoes; the human’s cats; the humans’ pet cockatiel; newly planted
iris bulbs; pillows and blankets from the bed; laundry (dirty OR clean);
aquarium plants; stuffed animals from on top of the chest of drawers; pillows
and blankets from the newly made bed; the hose that’s filling the kiddie
pool; the humans’ Nerf footballs; human’s underwear; Mommy and Daddy’s
ferrets.
5. I will not chew the [xxx].
Human’s homework; human’s papers s/he has to mark; remote control; cardboard
around the laundry detergent; handles to the lawn tools; garage door; kitchen
cabinets; food left within reach on the couch; the mini-human’s *full* bottle
even though it conveniently fell in front of me from the crib; horse’s new
saddle; wall; carpet; deck; couch; sofa cushions; expensive paperbacks.
6. I will not bark at [xxx].
Plastic bags on the ground; the new plow blade on my owner’s truck when it is
parked; the wind; thunder; the road grader; Daddy’s new Santa bear toy (which
was innocently sitting on a chair, and had been there for hours before Molly
noticed it and took umbrage); tissue paper being blown along the floor by air
from the furnace; the spring doorstop when I or the kid flips it and makes it
go DOooiiiiinnnnnng; my mother’s clean laundry thrown on top of the bed, even
if the room is dark and it looks like someone sleeping there; the ball I just
pushed into an inaccessible crevice all by myself; the fox/skunk/cat/deer out
in the yard at any time after midnight, especially on a work night; the fire
hydrant on the corner when out for a walk at night; the car radio; the
answering machine lady when she says the date/time; the ice cube that slid
under the fridge; the rawhide chewbone that I’m making no headway on;
absolutely nothing (especially after 11 PM).
7. I will not dig [xxx].
Under the stove (and through the linoleum); under the sidewalk until it
collapses; the carpet; a hole under the porch and then get stuck under it;
under my master’s pillow at 2 AM to retrieve the bone I hid there earlier; a
swimming pool in the back yard;
What do you call an elephant creeping through the jungle in the middle of the night?
Russell!
A man was sprinkling some white powder on his lawn.
“Why are you doing that?” asked his neighbour
“It’s to keep the elephants off the grass”, he replied.
“But we don’t get elephants round here!”
“I know - good stuff isn’t it!”
What do you call an elephant with a rabbit up it’s sweater?
Warren!
What do you call the rabbit up the elephant’s sweater?
Terrified!
What do you call someone with an elephant on their head?
Squashed!
Who lost a herd of elephants?
Big bo peep!
What is an elephants favorite film?
Elephantasia
What do elephants say as a compliment?
You look elephantastic!
What do you do with old cannon balls?
Give them to elephants to use as marbles!
What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks!
We all want progress, but if you’re on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive. - C.S. Lewis
We are often most in the dark when we are the most certain, and most enligthened when we are the most confused.
We don’t have the time or money to do it right, but we’ll have time and money to do it over again.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
We sometimes get all the information, but we refuse to get the message.
We’ll worry about that when we get there.
We’re making progress. Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
We’ve always done it that way!
Wet manure is slippery. - OSHA discovery