Q: How many neurophysiologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six. One to remove the old bulb and examine it under the microscope to find out what went wrong, one to blow a tube of glass into the bulb shape, one to coil the tungsten wire filament, one to clean up the metal base of the old bulb, one to operate the vacuum pump to get rid of the air in the bulb and one to apply the glue to seal the new bulb into the old base. The new bulb won’t work, of course, but the whole process uses up a lot of expensive equipment and keeps several intelligent people happily employed doing something totally useless.

Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.

Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, it’s a waste of time because the new bulb probably won’t work either.

Q: How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they’re convinced that the power will come back on soon.

Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided there’s an engineer around to explain how to do it.

Q: How many IBM CPU’s does it take to turn on a light bulb?
A: 33 - 1 to process the instruction and 32 to process the interrupt.

Q: How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they’re arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known.

Q: How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Seven. One to screw it in and six to design the tee-shirts.

Redneck Driver’s Application
Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________

First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse’s Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
Lover’s Name: __________________________
2nd Lover’s Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother’s Name: _______________________
Father’s Name: _______________________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you
are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: _________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don’t know

Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to screw it in.

Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They assign the task to a gastarbeiter.

Q: How many Argentinians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine thousand-after all, it’s *their* light bulb.

Q: How many Belgians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it.

Q: How many U.S fighter pilots does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: No! You mean it was one of ours?!

Notes : Topical to the shooting down of two allied helicopters over Iraq.

Q: How many Iraqi soldiers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. He takes it back to Baghdad for safe keeping…..

Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn’t matter, they don’t have any electricity anymore.

Q: How many West Virginians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they don’t have Eeeeelextrisssity in West Virginia.

During grammar school science experiements into properties of different alcohols:

The residue of each test was tipped down the sinks, which were grouped in threes. There were no U-bends, but each group of sinks emptied into a single box, which overflowed into the mains sewers. Presumably this was intended to retain things like droplets of mercury, which was not banned from use when I was 16.

During the session, my bunsen went out, so I re-lit it with a splint lit from the teacher’s bunsen. For safety’s sake (!) I dropped the burning splint into the sink, intending to extinguish it with water, instead of waving it around in the alcohol fumes. A small blue flame disappeared down the plughole. Hum, thinks I, I wonder where that’s going?

I opened the cupboard ‘neath the sink, only to find the drain box, full of alcohol, a roaring mass of flame. Shutting the doors, I called out, “Er, Sir…” just as the inch-thick wooden lids blew off the adjacent un-used sinks. Fortunately, the back-blast extinguished the flames under the cupboard, so the box only sagged slightly!

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: “Mick! I lost me finger!”

“Have you now?” says Mick. “And how did you do it?”

“I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi…

Darn! There goes another one!”

Scorcher Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent’s hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked,

“Have I got all ye say there?”

The agent said, “Certainly ye have…Why d’ye ask?”

Replied Murphy, “Cancel the sale…’tis too good to part with.”

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Lisa!
Lisa who?
Lisa you can do is let me in!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Lisbon!
Lisbon who?
Lisbon married eight times!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Listz!
Listz who?
Listz of ingredients!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Little old lady!
Little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Livia!
Livia who?
Livia me alone!