After dinner one evening a George W. Bush was entertaining their house guest by playing the piano.
At one point he turned to the visitor, a fat conservative talk show host, and said, “I understand you love music.”
“Yes,” murmured the guest politely. “But never you mind. Keep right on playing …”
Saddam Hussein’s stockpile is deadly. The smoke from his biological weapons could mix with sulfur from his chemical weapons and create an atmospheric condition known as Los Angeles.
The Los Angeles Board of Education has OK’d a plan to equip school police cars with guns. The plan works on a tier system: Police at elementary schools will carry supersoakers, junior high patrols will carry paint guns, and shotguns will be used at high schools.
A severly disturbed geography teacher killed six people who did not know the capital of Scotland. Police say he’s still on the loose and remind everyone that the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh. (Carlin)
AT&T announced last week it will lay off up to 8,000 employees. Ever conscious of its image, the company is promoting the layoffs as a new feature called job forwarding.
El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm. It sank 65 times.
Charloote Hornets star Anthony Mason faces charges of statutory rape of two girls, ages 14 and 15. His attorney will use the Kennedy defense, which states that together they were 29.
Marcia Clark has signed with NBC to become a legal affairs commentator. In the job, she’ll discuss ongoing court cases and then describe what she would do to lose them.
The inventor of the airplane borarding ramp has died at age 85. Funeral seating will begin half an hour before the service, with preferential treatment for immediate family members, followed by friends and relatives holding passes numbered 1 through 30.
Magic Johnson signed a deal with Starbucks to open new coffee shops in inner city neighborhoods. Just what the poor needed - a good $3 cup of coffee.
Michael Jackson’s business partner has bought part of TWA, and now says he’s going to have Michael redesign some of the planes. Michael says he wants the planes to be all white with smaller noses. (O’Brien)
A Canadian snowboarder got his gold medal back despite testing positive for marijuana. Olympic officials should have know better. Snowboarding was invented because a stoned snowboarder couldn’t remember where he put his other ski.
More controversy in pairs skating when Boris and Natasha were awarded a gold medal by the Eastern Bloc countries, even though they were clearly beaten by Moose and Squirrel.
Did anyone see the luge? It’s a 3 foot long little vehicle that has no room, has to be pushed to get started and only goes downhill. Here in America we call that a Hyundai. (Leno)
Newt Gingrich says that the major networks should give free air time to anti drug messages. For example, they should come on during your favorite show and talk about how drugs and alcohol are a dead end street… and now back to Nash Bridges starring Cheech Marin and Don Johnson. (Maher)
Scientists at Rutgers University have released a study identifying the three phases of love. They are: lust, attraction and subpoena.
Fortean Times reports that a British supermarket worker’s underwear spontaneously combusted. Luckily it was edible underwear, so the clerk ended up with cherries jubilee.
And finally, with Bill Clinton in the White House, I finally understand why we celebrate Presidents Day with mattress sales. (Leno)
Top Ten ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab
10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.
9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, “Does this taste funny to you?”
8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as “KKK.”
7. Mutter repeatedly, “Not again… not again… not again.”
6. When it’s very quiet, suddenly cry out, “My eyes!”
5. Deny the existence of chemicals.
4. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.
3. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.
2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid
1. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.
Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.
One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, “Where are we?”
The man yells back, “About a half mile from town.”
Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, “He must have been a lawyer.”
The other says, “A lawyer! How do you know that?”
The first says, “That
This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, “My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam.”
She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. “Did you say that?” she asks.
“Why, yes, I did!” he replies. “And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you.”
The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, “You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I’ll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?”
The parrot says, “Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th Street.”
So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When the woman enters the building, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even bit her once.
Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back out. The parrot is very cold.
She says, “Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language in my house!”
The parrot says, “Okay, okay, I promise it won’t happen again. I am deeply sorry.”
Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm and once on the finger.
The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down the stairs, into the cellar, and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there for fifteen minutes.
When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is shivering and has light frost on the beak. “I swear it will never ever happen again! I will never insult you again! I promise!” As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and says, “I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what’d he do, attack you?”
Why was George Washington buried at Mount Vernon?
Because he was dead!
What did Napoleon become when he was 41 years old?
A year older on his birthday!
An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I didn’t do it because I didn’t want to add to your already heavy workload.
An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: My little sister ate it!
Bad timing for an excuse
Teacher: Why were you late?
Pupil: Sorry, teacher, I overslept.
Teacher: It’s three in the afternoon!
An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: Some aliens from outer space borrowed it so they could study how the human brain worked
Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before. Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”