If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

If enough data is collected, anything can be proven by statistical methods.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

If everything seems to be going well, you obviously do not know what the hell is going on.

If everything seems to go right, check your zipper.

If facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.

If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.

If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?

If I your opinion, I’ll ask you to fill out the necessary form.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t there more happy people?

Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area!

Where do frogs keep their treasure?
In a croak of gold at the end of the rainbow!

Whats white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog!

What did the bus conductor ay to the frog?
Hop on!

What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad!

Whats the world weakest animal?
A toad, he croaks if you even touch him!

What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole!

What do you call a girl with a frog in her hair?
Lily!

What do Scottish toads play?
Hop-scotch!

How do I know that my youth is all spent?
Well, my get up and go has got up and went.
But in spite of it all I am able to grin
when I recall where my get up has been.

Old age is golden-so I’ve heard it said-
but sometimes I wonder when I get into bed,
with my ears in a drawer and my teeth in a cup,
my eyes on the table until I wake up.

Ere sleep dims my eyes I say to myself,
“Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?”
And I’m happy to say as I close my door,
my friends are the same, perhaps even more.

When I was young, my slippers were red,
I could pick up my heels right over my head.
When I grew older, my slippers were blue,
but still I could dance the whole night through.

But now I am old, my slippers are black,
I walk to the store and puff my way back.
The reason I know my youth is all spent,
my get up and go has got up and went.

But I really don’t mind when I think, with a grin,
of all the grand places my get up has been.
Since I have retired from life’s competition,
I accommodate myself with complete repetition.

I get up each morning, and dust off my wits,
pick up my paper and read the “obits”.
If my name is missing, I know I’m not dead,
so I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed

Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?

Larry: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Zippy!
Zippy who?
Mrs Zippy!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Zizi!
Zizi who?
Zizi when you know how!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Zone!
Zone who?
Zone shadow scares him!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Zookeeper!
Zookeeper who?
Zookeeper away from me!

You might be a reneck if…

You’ve ever given a set of Tupperware ice tea glasses as a wedding present.

Your dungarees expose more than half of your crack in the back because the weight of your pocket knife.

Your idea of heaven involves two shotguns and a keg of beer.

You picket your horses on your lawn so you won’t have to mow it.

You’re wearing a camoflauge jacket and dipping in your driver’s license pic.

You stop to flirt with the person running the drive through at McDonalds.

You save old kitchen appliances for target practice.

You save old kitchen appliances for children’s Christmas presents.

You get up EARLY on Saturday to go yard sale shopping for entertainment.

Your gun cabinet takes up half your living room.