My four year old and I were discussing holidays, and I asked him, “What is the day which comes after Halloween when you have turkey?”
My husband quickly answered, “Election day.”
The American myth is that every boy can grow up to be President.
The Bush reality now is that the boy doesn’t have to grow up?!
Programming errors which would normally require one day to find will take five days when the programmer is in a hurry.
Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
Progress may have been all right once, but it went on too long.
Project Management is like pushing a wheelbarrow of frogs to market.
Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and still come out ahead.
Quality assurance doesn’t.
Quit while your still behind.
Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a matter of principle.
Real programmers don’t announce how many times the operations department called them last night.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Deena!
Deena who?
Deena hear me the first time!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Delhi!
Delhi who?
Delhicatessen!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Delores!
Delores who?
Delores is on the side of the good guys!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
De Niro!
De Niro who?
De Niro I am to you, the more I like you!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Denis!
Denis who?
Denis anyone?
This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your dog when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment.
A. Fill in the blanks
1. [xxx] is not food.
Spiders; bandaids; ivy and airplane plants; Xmas ornaments; the carved
jack-o-lantern; plants from the aquarium; cat litter box contents; laundry
detergent boxes (esp. not when full!); toothpaste (tube and all); remote
controls; linoleum; eyeglasses; books; stockings; the tar shingles on my
house; chicken wire; bizarre plants; disposable razors; rocks; Lego; dirty
Kleenex; the baby’s used diaper; Christmas stockings; soda pop cans;
fiberglass insulation stuffed up the chimney; the underwear in the clothes
hamper; Mommy’s hair accessories; Mommy’s catnip teabags; unopened honey
packets; staples; Christmas stockings; credit cards, CDs, and
other thin plastic things.
2. I will not lift my leg to the [xxx].
Anything growing in the vegetable garden; house corner; new boyfriend;
mailman; woodstove; subordinate pack members; Grandma’s plush chair; the
conformation judge; good-looking neighbour man that Mommy is trying to
impress; Daddy in the lawn chair.
3. I recognize that [xxx] has a right to exist.
The humans’ shoes; the human’s cats; the aquarium; 3rd grade art projects
(even if they are made of macaroni shells); the other dog(s); the TV remote
control; the human’s little humans; the bath mitt; Rolling Stone magazine;
large patterns on wallpaper;
4. [xxx] is not a toy.
The humans’ shoes; the human’s cats; the humans’ pet cockatiel; newly planted
iris bulbs; pillows and blankets from the bed; laundry (dirty OR clean);
aquarium plants; stuffed animals from on top of the chest of drawers; pillows
and blankets from the newly made bed; the hose that’s filling the kiddie
pool; the humans’ Nerf footballs; human’s underwear; Mommy and Daddy’s
ferrets.
5. I will not chew the [xxx].
Human’s homework; human’s papers s/he has to mark; remote control; cardboard
around the laundry detergent; handles to the lawn tools; garage door; kitchen
cabinets; food left within reach on the couch; the mini-human’s *full* bottle
even though it conveniently fell in front of me from the crib; horse’s new
saddle; wall; carpet; deck; couch; sofa cushions; expensive paperbacks.
6. I will not bark at [xxx].
Plastic bags on the ground; the new plow blade on my owner’s truck when it is
parked; the wind; thunder; the road grader; Daddy’s new Santa bear toy (which
was innocently sitting on a chair, and had been there for hours before Molly
noticed it and took umbrage); tissue paper being blown along the floor by air
from the furnace; the spring doorstop when I or the kid flips it and makes it
go DOooiiiiinnnnnng; my mother’s clean laundry thrown on top of the bed, even
if the room is dark and it looks like someone sleeping there; the ball I just
pushed into an inaccessible crevice all by myself; the fox/skunk/cat/deer out
in the yard at any time after midnight, especially on a work night; the fire
hydrant on the corner when out for a walk at night; the car radio; the
answering machine lady when she says the date/time; the ice cube that slid
under the fridge; the rawhide chewbone that I’m making no headway on;
absolutely nothing (especially after 11 PM).
7. I will not dig [xxx].
Under the stove (and through the linoleum); under the sidewalk until it
collapses; the carpet; a hole under the porch and then get stuck under it;
under my master’s pillow at 2 AM to retrieve the bone I hid there earlier; a
swimming pool in the back yard;
You might be a redneck if…
You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin’ dog.
You’re an expert on worm beds.
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!”
Your family tree does not fork.
The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
You haul more than U-Haul.
Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, “The feud is back on!”
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
Your wedding was held in the delivery room.