A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn’t dance a single step!”

“So?” asked the ducks former owner, “did you remember to light the candle under the pot?”

What’ s big and grey with horns?
An elephant marching band!

What’s yellow on the outside and grey on the inside?
An elephant disguised as a banana!

What’s big, grey and flies straight up?
An elecopter!

What’s grey, carries a bunch of flowers and cheers you up when your ill?
A get wellephant!

What’s grey and never needs ironing?
A drip dry elephant!

What’s big and grey and red?
A sunburnt elephant!

What did the hotel manager say to the elephant that couldn’t pay his bill?
“Pack your trunk and clear out!”

How do you get an elephant into a matchbox?
Take all the matches out first!

What weighs 4 tons and is bright red?
An elephant holding its breath!

The following are actual phone calls made to I.R.S. offices across the United States.

Caller: I want to know if I should file married or single.

IRS: Are you married?

Caller: Well, sort of…

IRS: What?

Caller: Well, we did get married, but we’re not counting on it.

Caller: I got a letter from you guys and I want to know what you want.

IRS: What does it say?

Caller: Just a minute, I’ll open it.

Caller: I’m a bookkeeper and I need to know if ten $100 bills make a thousand dollars or only ten hundred dollars.

IRS: Both. It’s the same amount.

Caller: So why do I get a different answer every time I move the decimal point?

Caller: What does the law say about people who are renting to relatives and taking a loss on the property?

IRS: You are required to charge them fair market value.

Caller: It’s very fair. If we rented to someone else we could get a lot more.

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy?”

The man says, “Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.” The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking.

“You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.”

The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?”

The man quickly replies, “I have a dollar.”

Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Hmmm… well there’s an interesting question isn’t it ?

Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over whether or not the lightbulb exists.

Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Define “lightbulb”.

Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to think deeply and come up with a real gem, such as “Well there you are, standing on a chair, changing a lightbulb. Here we see the difference between a cat and a dog. If you have a cat, it looks up at you, thinks ‘What are you doing ?’, and walks off. But if you have a dog, it’s looking up at you and thinking ‘Well, I dunno what you’re doing, but I love you anyway.’

Q: How many Mensans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The bulb isn’t bright enough.

Q: How many Mensans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The dim bulbs aren’t “changed,” they are humanely euthanized.

Q: How many Mensans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 66. Eleven philosophers to ponder whether it is possible to actually do anything; ten semanticists to debate the various possible meanings of each phrase, word, and syllable; nine columnists to write about it from radically different viewpoints; eight letter writers to respond vehemently with opposing points of view; seven Quibblers who delight in pointing out others’ mistakes (what is said is not as important as saying it correctly); six conservatives who believe things should stay the way they are; five liberals who believe that action should be taken immediately to form a committee to study possible actions; four ornery SOBs who disagree on principal with anything anyone else has suggested; three peacemakers who believe it’s more important to work it out without showing any more emotions than necessary to get it done; two statisticians who maintain that numbers are more important than facts; and one pragmatist to ignore the bureaucratic piles of paperwork and replace the bad bulb with a good one. Whilst all this is going on, all the Mensans are keeping count in their heads just to make absolutely sure what it really does add up to 66.

Q: How many lexicographers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to protest that he should have changed it to “light bulb”.

OLD CANNERS never die, they are preserved

OLD CARS never die, they just get run into the ground

OLD CASHIERS never die, they just check out

OLD CHAUFFEURS never die, they just lose their drive

OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just do it inorganically

OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just fail to react

OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just lose their refluxes

OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just reach equilibrium

OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just smell that way

OLD CLEANING PEOPLE never die, they just kick the bucket

OLD COMPOSERS never die, they just decompose

OLD COMPUTER PEOPLE never die, they just lose their memory

OLD COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS never die, they just byte the dust

OLD COOKS never die, they just get deranged

OLD COURIERS never die, they just keep on EXPRESSing it!

Acheson’s Rule Of The Bureaucracy: A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer. - Dean Acheson

Action’s Law: Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Adler’s Distinction: Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, and from the bureaucrats.

Advertising Rule: In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, that it is curable.

Air Force Inertia Axiom: Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.

Allen’s Distinction: The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep. - Woody Allen

Albrecht’s Law: Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well-being.

Alden’s Laws: (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of pregnancy. (2) Always be backlit. (3) Sit down whenever possible.

Andrea’s Admonition: Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. If you think his window is closed and he can’t hear you, it isn’t and he can.

Churchill’s Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.