A ghost joke
What do ghosts say when a girl footballer is sent off?
Ban-she Ban-she!

A vampire joke
What do vampires have at eleven o’clock every day?
A coffin break!

A witch joke
Why did the baby witch smile when she came out in blotches?
Because it was an ‘appy rash!

A Halloween joke
Why was the little boy unhappy to win first prize for the best costume at the Halloween party?
Because he just came to pick up his sister!

A cannibal joke
Why didn’t the cannibal eat Mike Tyson?
He thought he would give him a paunch!

A witch joke
Why did the witch wear a green felt pointy hat?
So she could walk across snooker tables without being seen!

A witch joke
What has six legs and flies?
A witch giving her cat a ride!

These are actual phrases from Officer Efficiency Reports (performance appraisal for the military officers).

“Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.”

“Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.”

“A room temperature IQ.”

“Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.”

“A gross ignoramus—144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”

“A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”

“A prime candidate for natural deselection.”

“Bright as Alaska in December.”

“One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.”

“Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”

“Fell out of the family tree.”

“Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”

“Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”

“He’s so dense, light bends around him.”

“If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.”

“If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

“If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”

“If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”

“Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”

“Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.”

“Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.”

“Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

A ghost joke
What did the ghost teacher say to her class?
Watch the board and I’ll go through it again!

A ghost joke
Who writes ghosts jokes?
Crypt writers!

A vampire joke
Why did the vampire stand at the bus stop with a finger up his nose?
He was a ghoulsniffer!

A vampire joke
What’s a vampire’s favourite dance?
The vaults!

A ghost joke
What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A dead end!

A vampire joke
Where did vampires go to first in America?
New Fangland!

A vampire joke
Why are vampiress crazy?
Because they are often bats!