Q: How do you scare a man?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Q: Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women?
A: Women working at 900 numbers.

Q: Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
A: In the pages of a romance novel.

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he’s God’s gift?
A: Exchange him.

Q: Why is the book “Women Who Love Too Much” a disappointment for many men?
A: No phone numbers.

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I’m a caterpillar
Don’t worry you’ll soon change!

Doctor, Doctor you’ve taken out my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still don’t feel well.
That’s quite enough out of you!

Doctor, Doctor I’ve got bad teeth, foul breath and smelly feet.
Sounds like you’ve got Foot and Mouth disease!

Doctor, Doctor my husband smells like fish
Poor sole!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a spider
What a web of lies!

Doctor, Doctor I’m a burglar!
Have you taken anything for it?

Doctor, Doctor my baby is the image of his father
Never mind just so long as he’s healthy!

Top Baseball Player Demands

From Late Show with David Letterman; Friday, August 12, 1994

In case anyone has od’ed on O.J. Simpson coverage or for those who might for some reason not know, the major league baseball player strike began today.]

No team flights on Continental Airlines.

Goodbye boring baseball hats, hello festive sombreros.

Make it legal to cork their pants.

Baseballs with delicious chocolate centers.

No more reports from that old guy up at Woodstock. [In reference to the live reports tonight from Calvert]

Two words: Streisand tickets.

Every team has to have at least one player named “Mookie”.

Plenty of dugout Slimfast.

Put an on-deck circle in Madonna’s bed.

More games against the Mets.

Q: Why don’t blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: They can’t remember the number.

Q: Why don’t blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: She can’t find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: “What’s a lightbulb?”

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, “Daaady!”

Q: How do you get rid of blondes?
A: Form a circle, give each blonde a gun, and tell them they are a firing squad.

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10
bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10
bill. Who picks it up?
A: None of them, two don’t exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

Yo mama house so dirty roaches ride around on dune buggies!

Yo mama house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside.