The Top 10 Things To Do While Confined In A Space Station

Roll down the window and throw beer cans at passing satellites.

Play some rather boring games of Solitaire.

Try to bust that myth of Lays Potato Chips: Betcha Can’t Eat Just One!

Come up with as many wacky Top 10 List Topics as possible so Top 10 Boy will have work to do into the New Year.

When the NASA camera is off, dance around to “Blue Jean” by David Bowie while wearing just your space helmet.

Do what everyone else does, write out all of your postcards..mail them when you get home.

Don’t move, don’t touch anything and if you break something, know that you will be blamed mercilessly for it and shunned by society to a Gulag in a remote part of Northern Siberia (Russian Space Station only).

Access www.spacebabes.com on NASA’s computer instead of doing those meaningless space experiments.

Call Martian Escort Service..hope like hell they take American Express.

Watch All of Pauly Shore’s movies…try to find examples of humor, plot and a reason for making it.

A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.

Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?

Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

Thank you for calling Uncle Tom’s Mortuary and Delicatessen. You stab ‘em and we slab ‘em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the tone, we’ll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible.

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.

They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn’t thought about ‘normal’ tricks.

“Well,” they said, “let’s try this out.”

Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearly pronounced the command, “Heel!”

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man’s forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, “Give me two boys and a girl.”

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time.” So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You’d think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

There’s a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, “No, these are leaving at 3.” They were going to fire me anyway, because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the inside of the straw since that’s the part you don’t want to get dirty.

I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.

Years ago, I worked in a natural, organic health food store in Seattle, Washington. One day a man walked in and asked, “If I can melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?” Two days later I was fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight Bosco on the job.

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2×4 and a box of 3×5’s. The clerk said, “ten-four.”

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said “pet supplies.” So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said “compact cars”…

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked.

She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I’ve sure gotten old. I’ve had two By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But…..Thank God, I still have my Florida driver’s license!

When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

Q: How many physical chemists does it take to change a light bulb?A: Only one, but he’ll change it three times, plot a straight line through the data, and then extrapolate to zero concentration.

“A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.”

Isaac Asimov said that if you want to find a chemist, ask him/her to discuss the following words: 1) mole 2) unionized. As he so eloquently put it, “If he starts talking about furry animals and organized labor, keep walking.”

Make it myself? But I’m a physical organic chemist!

Definition: (Fe)male: Male with iron added, for greater strength, ductility, and magnetisim.

Acid is base.

Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much? A: They’re cheaper than day rates.

“Scale keeps forming inside the kettle”, complained Tom, recalcitrantly.