Captain Kirk and an away team, searching for intelligent life on other planets, traveled down to Earth after going through a time disturbance cloud, landing in Washington D.C. right in the middle of Clinton’s inaugural ball.

After looking around, Kirk says: “Beam us up, Scotty. There’s no intelligent life down on this one.”

Once upon a time a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were captured by the Red Indians on a prospecting trip in North America. They been tied up against their respective totem poles for a day when the Chief walked up to the Englishman, pinched the skin of his upper arm and said, “Hmmm, heap good skin, nice and thick. Will make heap good canoe. You have a last request?”

“That case of gin I had when your boys caught me. I’d like that”, says the Englishman. He’s provided with his gin and is taken off to a teepee for his final night. The Englishman drinks two bottles of gin.

In the morning the Indians dispatch him, skin him and make him into a canoe. The canoe lasts a couple of days when it tears on a rock. Next day the Chief walks up to the Scotsman, pinches the skin at the top of his arm and says, “Hmmm, heap, heap good skin, very, very thick. Will make heap, heap good canoe. You have a last request?

“Ah’ll huv ma whisky back”, says the Scotsman. He’s provided with his whisky and taken off to a teepee for his final night. The Scotsman drinks three bottles of whisky. He’s already dead when the Indians come to collect him the next morning. They skin him and make him into a canoe. The canoe lasts a week before it tears on a rock. Next day the Chief walks up to the Irishman, pinches the skin at the top of his arm and says, “Hmmm, heap, heap, heap, heap good skin, very, very, very, very thick. Will make heap, heap, heap, heap good canoe. You have a last request?

“I’d loike a fork.”, says the Irishman.

The Chief gives him a funny look but gives him the fork. The Irishman takes the fork, stabs himself repeatedly shouting, “Yer no makin’ any bloody canoe outta me!”

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

The man said, “I do Father.”

The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”

Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to got to heaven?”

“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.

“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.”

The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

O’Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he’d been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

“Father, it’s 15 years since my last confession, and I’ve been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years,” he told the priest.

“I understand my son,” says the priest. “Can you make a Novena?”

O’Toole said, “Father, if you have the plans, I’ve got the lumber.”

According to a recent government publication …

A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.

A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.

A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.

A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, but he’ll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can’t just be pushed in.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, but only after asking “Why?”

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They have a machine that does that now.

Q: How many bluegrass musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: Two - one to screw it in and one to complain that it is electrified.

Q: How many bluegrass musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: Three, one to do it and two to argue about whether that was the way Bill Monroe would have done it.

Q: How many bluegrass musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: It doesn’t matter because the banjo player is gonna’ change it again anyway after everybody else is done.

Q: How many bluegrass musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: They don’t. They only use acoustic light bulbs.

The company commander saw the results of Private Gibbson’s Firing exercise and his face fell. The private exclaimed plaintively: “Sir, I think I am going to commit suicide by shooting myself.”

“By shooting?” reasked the company commander, “Not a bad idea! But take as many cartridges as possible.”

When asked what he thought about the new squad radio, one Army sergeant told the man from the R&D agency: “This squad radio should be replaced with a good whistle.”

Little grandson asked: “Granddaddy, when you were in the Army and were posted as sentry at night, were you afraid?”

“I was, grand sonny, but only until I fell asleep.”