These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Murphy said to his daughter, “I want you home by eleven o’clock.”

She said, “But Father, I’m no longer a child!”

He said, “I know, that’s why I want you home by eleven.”

MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O’Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there on afternoon, his cousin walked by.

“What are ye doing?” asked O’Bannon.

“Fishin’,” said MacAndrews.

“Caught anything?”

“Ach, nae a bite,”

“What are ye usin’ fer bait?”

“Worms”

“Let me see it,” said O’Bannon.

MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin. O’Bannon took out his flask of potcheen and dipped the worm in it. He handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out.

“Have ye got a bite?” asked O’Bannon.

“No!” shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, “The worm’s got a salmon by the throat!”

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”

“My mother died in August,” he said, “and left me $25,000.”

“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.

“Then in September,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $90,000.”

“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”

“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”

“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”

“Then this month,” continued, the friend, “absolutely nothing!”

Bob here. I’m home right now, I’m just screening my calls. So start talking and if you’re someone I want to speak with I’ll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.

Excuses are like bodies; everybody has one!

Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Experiment and theory often show remarkable agreement when performed in the same laboratory.

Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way.

Extremes meet.

Fact without theory is trivia; theory without fact is garbage.

Mommy, Mommy! I like my brother very much.

All right, you can take another slice.

Mommy, Mommy! I don’t want to empty the compost heap.

Shut up and keep eating.

Mommy, Mommy! I don’t like fishing.

Shut up and stop squirming.

Mommy, Mommy! Suzi got run over by a steamroller.

Shut up. I’m in the bathroom, slide her under the door.

[Alt answer] Shut up and get the maple syrup.

“Come upstairs, son, like a good boy.”

“No, Mommy, you’ll only throw me down again.”

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The “disturbance” turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What’s more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.

Said the policeman, “I’ll bet that you’re also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini.”

The giant nodded.

“If I had some chains,” the deputy continued, “you could show us how strong you really are. But all I’ve got is a set of handcuffs. Why don’t you see just how quickly you can break out of them?”

Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. “I can’t get out of these,” the giant growled.

“Are you sure?” the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. “Nope,” he replied. “I can’t do it.”

“In that case,” said the deputy, “you’re under arrest.”