A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach.
The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, “If you wish to save your marriage, you’d better be a little boulder.”
In the early 1930’s, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.
“$10 for 3 minutes,” replied the pilot. “That’s too much,” said the farmer.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, “I’ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you’ll have to pay $10.”
The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, “I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.”
“Maybe so,” said the farmer, “But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.”
Acronyms for International Airlines
Italy
ALITALIA = Always Late In The Air, Late In Arrival
ALITALIA = Arrived Late In Turin, And Luggage In Australia
Britain
BOAC = Better on a camel
Belgium
SABENA = Such A Bloody Experience Never Again
Pakistan
PIA = Please, Inform Allah
Yugoslavia
JAT = Joke About Time
Pacific Western Airlines
PWA = Pray While Aloft
PWA = Please Wait Awhile Airlines
Trans World Airlines = Teeney Weeny Airlines.
How to be Politically Correct when talking about Men (Or Army Men)
He does not have a beer gut…
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.(regular guys)
He has a personal war reserve stock.(army guys)
He is not quiet…
He is a Conversational Minimalist.
He is a SAMS grad.
He is not stupid…
He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
He is a field grade.
He does not get lost all the time…
He discovers Alternative Destinations.
He gets temporarily misoriented.
He is not balding…
He is in Follicle Regression.
He has a REALLY squared away high and tight.
He is not a cradle robber…
He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He is breaking the new fraternization policies.
He does not get falling-down drunk…
He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He practices his IMTs in the club.
He is not short…
He is Anatomically Compact.
He suffers from a Napoleon Complex.
He does not have a rich daddy…
He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.
He has the Army as a hobby.
He does not constantly talk about cars…
He has a Vehicular Addiction.
He must be a Transporter.
He does not have a hot body…
He is Physically Combustible.
He is a PT stud.
He is not unsophisticated…
He is Socially Challenged.
He is a Ranger.
He does not eat like a pig…
He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
He eats like a Ranger student at Pizza Hut.
He is not a bad dancer…
He is Overly Caucasian.
He is from the Muddy Boots Army.
He does not hog the blankets…
He is Thermally Unappreciative.
He is a Blue Falcon.
He is not a male chauvinist pig…
He has Swine Empathy.
He must be combat arms.
He is not afraid of commitment…
He is Monogamously Challenged.
He loves TDY.
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH: A female moth.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
Q: What do you call a blonde with a brand new PC?
A: A dumb terminal.
Q: Why are blonde jokes so easy to understand?
A: So brunettes can understand them.
Q: How did the blond burn her ear?
A: The phone rang while she was ironing.
Q: There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but why couldn’t they get in?
A: The sign said “must be 18 to enter”.
Q: Why are there no brunette jokes?
A: Because blondes would have to think them up.
Q: How does a blonde make instant pudding?
A: She places the box in the microwave and looks for the “instant pudding setting” button.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called “How to Hug”?
A: When she got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopedia.
Q: What do you call 24 blondes in a cardboard box?
A: A case of empties.
You Are Maliciously Internet Addicted When:
You kiss your girlfriend’s/boyfriend’s home page.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular-modem and a laptop.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap… and your child in the overhead compartment.
All you daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8… ISDN… cable modem… T1… T3…
And even your night dreams are in HTML.
You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you’ve never had heart problems before.
You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
When looking at a page full of someone else’s links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
Your pet has its own home page.
You’ve already visited all the links at Yahoo and you’re halfway through Lycos.
You can’t call your grandmother….. she doesn’t have a modem.
You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.
You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.
You have commandeered your teenager’s phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
You don’t know the gender of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
Your husband tells you he’s had the beard for 2 months.
You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.
You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.
You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
You actually try that 123.elm.street address.
You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “Daddy’s got work to do” and you don’t even have a job.
Your friends no longer send you e-mail…. they just log on to your IRC channel.
You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
Your spouse makes a new rule: “The computer cannot come to bed.”
You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.
You get a tattoo that says, “This body best viewed with Netscape 1.1 or higher.”
You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP… because you never log off.
You forget what year it is.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.
You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind… the perfect soundtrack for “surfing the net”.
You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month “unlimited”.
You turn on your computer and… turn off your significant other.
Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage… so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.