So! You’ve finally called. And I suppose you think I’ll just be here. Well you’re wrong. I gave up on that yesterday. Seventeen weeks is long enough. Waiting for you; staring at the phone; never going anywhere… Well I’ve had enough! I decided to get a real life, so I’m out testing lint removers for Ralph Nader. Now it’s your turn. Leave a message at the beep and I might just get back to you — if I survive my new job.
Q: What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck?
A: A duck filled fatty puss!
Q: What kind of cat should you take into the desert?
A: A first aid kitty!
Q: Why do cats chase birds?
A: For a lark!
Q: What do cats read in the morning?
A: Mewspapers!
Q: What works in a circus, walks a tightrope and has claws?
A: An acrocat!
Q: What do you call a cat wearing shoes?
A: Puss in boots!
Q: Why did the cat frown when she passed the hen house?
A: Because she heard fowl language!
Q: There were four cats in a boat, one jumped out. How many were left?
A: None. They were all copy cats!
Warning to shoplifters: Anyone caught shoplifting will be beaten, gagged, whipped and tortured. Any survivors will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Hoffman!
Hoffman who?
I’ll Hoffman, I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Holland!
Holland who?
Holland you going to make me wait out here!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Hollis!
Hollis who?
Hollis forgiven, come back home!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Holly!
Holly who?
Hollylujah!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Homer!
Homer who?
Homer-again!
Why Dogs Don’t Use Computers
Can’t stick their heads out of Windows ‘95.
Fetch command not available on all platforms.
Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
Too difficult to “mark” every website they visit.
Can’t help attacking the screen when they hear “You’ve Got Mail.”
Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they’re browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
Still trying to come up with an “emoticon” that signifies tail-wagging.
Oh, but they WILL… with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
Cause dogs ain’t GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand…
Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master’s.leg.
Too Hard To Type With Paws.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
I’m just driving this way to get you mad.
Keep honking, I’m reloading.
Hang up and drive.
Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.