St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

“Very well,” said the gatekeeper of Heaven. “But you realize, I hope, that we’ve got all the good players and the best coaches.”

“I know, and that’s all right,” Satan answered unperturbed. “We’ve got all the umpires.”

I work as a systems administrator, and part of m job involves answering questions about computers. I generally like my job, but sometimes it gets on my nerves. When people ask me what I find so irritating, this is what I tell them:

Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea (substitute “furniture store” if you don’t know what “Ikea” is). You get a phone call that goes like this.

Customer: I’d like to buy a kitchen table.

You: That’s fine; we have many styles of kitchen tables, I’m sure you can find one you like.

C: I need one that’s 3 feet by 5 feet and has a butcher block top.

Y: Yes, we have a table like that. You can pick it up today.

C: OK, how can I get it back to my house?

Y: Well, it comes disassembled, so you can just put it on a roof rack. We can loan you a roof rack if you don’t have one.

C: But how do get there?

Y: We’re just off exit 25 of the Turnpike. Where are you coming from?

C: Wait, wait, you’re going way too fast for me. I have a Ford in my driveway, and the keys are in my hand. What do I do next?

And, whatever you say at this point, the response is always the same:

C: But all I want is a kitchen table! Why does it have to be so *COMPLICATED*!

Whistler’s Law: You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.

Whitehead’s Law: The obvious answer is always overlooked.

William’s Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.

Wood’s Axiom: As soon as a still-to-be-finished computer task becomes a life-or-death situation, the power fails.

Woodward’s Law: A theory is better than its explanation.

Zall’s Laws: First Law - Anytime you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do will be wrong. Second Law - How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you’re on.

Zymurgy’s First Law Of Evolving System Dynamics Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can.

The President is running down the street one day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her dog just had.

He goes up to the girl and says, “Little girl, I think that it’s wonderful that you’re doing such a good thing.”

The little girl says, “Thank you, Mr. Clinton. Would you like a puppy? They’re Democrats.”

Bill declines and jogs onward. The next day Billy jogs past the same girl and decides to talk to her again. “You know what, little girl? I think I’ll take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how they’re Democrats.”

The girl says, “I’m sorry Mr. Clinton, but they’re not Democrats any more. They’re Republican now.”

Bill says, “They are? How do you know? As a matter of fact, how did you know that they were Democrats at first to begin with?”

She says, “Well, just after they were born they were Democrats, but now their eyes are open.”

A witch joke
What’s yellow and very poisonous?
Witch infested custard!

A witch joke
Why did the witch buy two tickets to the zoo?
One to get in and one to get out!

A witch joke
What do you call a wich made of cotton and has lots of holes in her?
A string hag!

A witch joke
What happened to the naughtly little witch at school?
She was ex-spelled!

A witch joke
What should you do if you find a witch in your bed?
Run!

A witch joke
Where do witches keep their purses?
In hag bags!

A witch joke
What is the favorite subject of young witches at school?
Spelling!

What to you get if you cross a parrot with an elephant?
An animal that tells you everything that it remembers!

What is a baby elephant after he is five weeks old?
Six weeks old!

What did the elephant say when the man grabbed him by the tail?
This is the end of me!

Policeman: “One of your elephants has been seen chasing a man on a bicycle.”
Zoo Keeper: “Nonsense, none of my elephants knows how to ride a bicycle!”

Why do the elephants have short tails?
Because they can’t remember long stories!

How to you keep an elephant in suspense?
I’ll tell you tomorrow!

“Dad, Mum is fighting with an enormous elephant in the garden!”
“Don’t worry dear, I’m sure the elephant can look after itself!”

My elephants got no trunk?
How does it smell?
Terrible!

What do elephants sing at christmas?
Noel-ephants, Noel-ephants…

Who do elephants get their christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus!

Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.

Anything labeled “New” and/or “Improved” isn’t. The label means the price went up. The label “All New”, “Completely New”, or “Great New” means the price went way up.

Anything that doesn’t eat you today is saving you for tomorrow.

Anything that is designed to do more than one thing cannot do any of them well.

Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than you thought.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Appearances are not everything; it just looks like they are.

Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?

As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters turbulence.