A guy from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin the lawyer in California, and they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park.

While they were hiking they were attacked by 2 bears, one male and one female. The male bear dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape.

He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and told them what had happened, and they sent out a group of rangers to see what was going on.

Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that the lawyer mentioned, and there were the female and the male bears. So one of the Rangers took his rifle and shot the female.

So the other Rangers asked “why did you shoot the female? he said that the male ate his friend” So the Ranger answers “Would you believe a lawyer if he told you that the Czech is in the male?”

Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. 1 to do it and the other 19 to stand around and say, “I can do that!”

Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding?
A: Bach in the saddle again.

Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it’s electrified.

Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.

Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.

Q: Why don’t they know where Mozart is buried?
A: Because he’s Haydn!

Q: What’s musical and handy in a supermarket?
A: A Chopin Liszt.

Q: What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?
A: A pair of Re-bachs.

Q: What do you call a male quartet?
A: Three men and a tenor.

Where are we?
Fritz Kriesler and Rachmaninov had a recital in Carnegie Hall once. In the middle of the music, Kriesler got lost and turned around to ask Rachmaninov, “Where are we?”

Rachmaninov said, “Carnegie Hall, sir!”
What’s that sound?
A tourist is sightseeing in a European city. She comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and begins reading the commerative plaque, only to be distracted by a low scratching noise, as if something was rubbing against a piece of paper.

She collars a passing native and asks what the scratching sound is.

The local person replies, “Oh, that is Beethoven. He’s decomposing.”
Arriving in Heaven
Three men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter.

St. Peter: Hi, what’s your name?

Paul: My name is Paul.

St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

Paul: 120K.

St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?

Paul: I was a lawyer.

St. Peter: That’s great. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what’s your name?

Roger: My name is Roger.

St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

Roger: 60K.

St. Peter: Hey, that’s great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a living?

Roger: I was an accountant.

St. Peter: That’s very good. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what’s your name?

John: My name is John.

St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died?

John: About $23,000.

St. Peter: Hey, that’s fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. “Only a shilling?” said the Justice, “Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here’s a guinea; go and bury twenty more of them.”

What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!

What’s an ig?
An eskimo’s home without a loo!

What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!

Where do snowmen go to dance?
Snowballs!

How do snowmen travel around ?
By iceicle !

What sort of ball doesn’t bounce ?
A snowball !

How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?
You wake up wet !

What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark ?
Frost bite !

How do you call an Eskimo cow ?
An Eskimoo !

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Is it possible to be totally partial?

What’s another word for thesaurus?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

What’s another word for thesaurus?

Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?