Instead of having ‘answers’ on a math test, they should just call them ‘impressions’ and it you got a different ‘impression’ so what, can’t we all be brothers?

Probably to a shark about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because where does he think he’s going?!

Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.

It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

When you’re riding in a time machine way far into the future, don’t stick your elbow out the window, or it’ll turn into a fossil.

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be “Clark Kent, Dentist,” because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, “How’s my back tooth?” and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, “Oh it’s okay,” then the patient would probably say, “Aren’t you going to take an X-ray, stupid?” and you’d say, “I did,” and then he probably wouldn’t even pay his bill.

If you ever go temporarily insane, don’t shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you’d really be surprised.

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for “better treatment”? I’d ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you’d probably be able to get a lot of free games.

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Mrs. Ryan, a mean looking woman, claimed her husband was not thoughtful. In this she was wrong; her husband thought about her too much. One morning on his way to work, he thought about her so much that he got off the subway at 34th Street and went to the Greyhound Terminal and took a bus to Yuma, Arizona.

Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They say down on a bench to rest. They overheard voices coming from a secluded spot. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man was about to propose.

Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, “Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them.”

Murphy said, “Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me.”

I am gathering the world’s largest collection of responses to an answering machine. If you would like to help, please leave a notarized copy of your name, number, and today’s date at the sound of the beep. When I’m famous I’ll remember all the little people like you that helped me achieve my greatness. I might even include you in my memoirs.

Citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head.

All bathtubs must have feet.

A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head.

Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!
All men driving motorcycles must wear shirts.

It is illegal to sleep naked.

Hibbing
It shall be the duty of any policeman or any other officer to enforce the provisions of this Section, and if any cat is found running at large, or which is found in any street, alley or public place, it shall be the duty of any policeman or other officer of the city to kill such cat.

Minneapolis
Red cars can not drive down Lake Street

St. Cloud
Hamburgers may not be eaten on Sundays.

Virginia
You’re not allowed to park your elephant on Main Street.

Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
A: Because you can’t bury them in trees!

Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
A: He was trying to make both ends meet!

Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A: A collie-flower!

Q: Why do dogs wag their tails?
A: “Because no one else will do it for them!”

Q: Why didn’t the dog speak to his foot?
A: Because it’s not polite to talk back to your paw!

Q: What is the dogs favorite city?
A: New Yorkie!

Q: Who is the dogs favorite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx!

Q: What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie?
A: “Well, doggone!”

Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
A: He stole the show!

Q: How can if you have a stupid dog?
A: It chases parked cars!