Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.

Q: How do you make a blonde’s eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q: Have you heard what my blond neighbor wrote on the bottom of her swimming pool?
A: No smoking.

Q: What does a blond do when someone says its chili outside?
A: She grabs a bowl.

A vampire joke
What’s a vampire’s favourite sport?
Batminton!

A werewolf joke
What do you call a werewolf that drinks too much?
A whino!

A witch joke
Where did the witch get her furniture?
From the ideal gnome exhibition!

A skeleton joke
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?
He had no body to go with!

A cannibal joke
What happened at the cannibal’s wedding party?
They toasted the bride and groom!

A ghost joke
How can you tell if a corpse is angry?
It flips its lid!

A demon joke
What do demons have on holiday?
A devil of a time!

It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world “up over”?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Voice 1: Gee, Dave, what do you feel like doing tonight?

Voice 2: Same thing we do every night, Rob… Try to take over

the world! (Sing:)

They’re David and the Rob,

Yes, David and the Rob,

One is a drummer, the other needs a job.

They’re not at home right now, so please don’t have a cow,

Leave a message — for David and the Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob.

Murphy was an optimist.

My client(sponsor/customer) doesn’t know what he wants.

Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

Nature is a mother.

Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can.

Needs are a function of what other people have.

Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference.

Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price.

Never be first to do anything.

Never be last.

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Louisiana!
Louisiana who?
Louisiana boy friend split up!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Lucerne!
Lucerne who?
Lucerne some maths today!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Lucinda!
Lucinda who?
Lucinda in the sky with diamonds…!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Lucretia!
Lucretia who?
Lucretia from the Black Lagoon!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Luigi!
Luigi who?
Luigi board!

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

December 18, 1992

Three maintenance workers in Alexandria, Ind., fixed a massive street-flooding problem in October when they pulled a 200-pound hairball from a manhole. Said one of the men, “We thought we had a goat.”