You have reached the Business Automation voicemail system. We used to call it an answering machine, but this is a high-tech world and we’re in a high-tech business, so we don’t call it that any more. We wouldn’t even if we could. So leave your message…

A vampire joke
What happened to the mad vampire?
He went a little batty!

A demon joke
What is the best way to get rid of a demon?
Exorcise a lot!

A ghost joke
What kind of jewels to ghosts wear?
Tombstones!

A demon joke
Why do demons and ghouls get on so well?
Because demons are a ghouls best friend!

A vampire joke
Where do vampires go on holiday?
The Isle of Fright!

A vampire joke
What’s a vampire’s favourite soup?
Sharks’ fang soup!

A vampire joke
Which vampire ate the three bears porridge?
Ghouldilocks!

I saw a want ad. Light housekeeping. They said, “Here, change this bulb”. I said, “I’ll need some friends”.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn’t open.

I got a garage door opener. It can’t close. Just open.

I went to a garage sale. “How much for the garage?” “It’s not for sale.”

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that’s part of the experiment? I’m like that all the time.

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I’m like that all the time.

I went over to the neighbor’s and asked to borrow a cup of salt. “What are you making?” “A salt lick.”

There aren’t enough days in the weekend.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

“Unlawful to Pass School Bus from Either Direction”

I guess that some people misunderstood that, because now it reads:

“Unlawful to Pass Stopped School Bus from Either Direction”.