A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink”! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, “Take another drink”! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left…. then to the right…. right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, “That boy should have quit while he was a head.”

Top Ten Things You’ll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how ’bout that?… I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain “up yours” attitude … I like that.

7. Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car — GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend … you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies — you know — that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring — now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father’s Day? aahh — don’t worry about that — it’s no big deal.

“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips..yet she won’t drink from my glass!”

“Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!”

“I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!”

“A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him…how am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo? He told me . . . that is why we give you 21 days.

“Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii…No days..just nights.”

“My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.”

“My wife isn’t very bright. The other day she was at the store and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said…did you see the guy that did it? She said … No, but I got the license plate.”

“A girl phoned me and said…Come on over there’s nobody home. I went over… Nobody was home!”

“I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.”

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.”

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked. “I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked. He quickly answered: “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.”

Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action. — Catch-22

Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.

Don’t marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation.

Feminists are OK, I just wouldn’t want my sister to marry one.

He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend’s wife’s brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that.

Honolulu - it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother. — Ken Dodd

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.

I am in total control, but don’t tell my wife.

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Isaiah!
Isaiah who?
Isaiah nothing till you open this door!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Istvan!
Istvan who?
Istvan to be alone!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Italy!
Italy who?
Italy be a big job!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Ivan!
Ivan who?
Ivan enormous snake in my pocket!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Ivana!
Ivana who?
Ivana be rich!

Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.

Nothing is ever as simple as it seems.

Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself.

Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all.

Nothing puzzles me more than time and space; and yet nothing troubles me less.

Of all forces acting on man, change is the most beneficial and the most cruel.

Of two possible events, only the undesired one will occur.

Office Of Precision Guesswork

Old age and treachery shall overcome youth and skill.