Gender and Computers

Top nine reasons computers must be male:

They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
A better model is always just around the corner.
They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
It is always necessary to have a backup.
They’ll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
The lights are on but nobody’s home.
Big power surges knock them out for the night.
Size does matter

Top nine reasons computers must be female:

Picky, picky, picky.
They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
Beauty is only shell deep.
When you ask what’s wrong, they say “nothing”.
Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
Always turning simple statements into big productions.
Smalltalk is important.
You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it’s wrong.
They make you take the garbage out.

A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. “I’ve circled the block for 20 minutes. I’m late for an appointment, and if I don’t park here I’ll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses.”

When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: “I’ve circled the block for 20 years, and if I don’t give you a ticket, I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.

The blonde followed the doctor’s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.

At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: “How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?”

Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of Exercises to get you prepared:

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.

11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

7. Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it’s in a snowstorm and you’re following an 18 wheeler.

4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don’t go see a doctor.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it’s time for the real thing!

Young Larry stopped by the corner grocery store and read the following list to the clerk:

10 pounds sugar at $1.25 a pound
4 pounds coffee at $1.50 a pound
2 pounds butter at $1.10 a pound
2 bars soap at $.83 each

“How much does that come to?” asked Larry.

“Twenty-two dollars and thirty-six cents.”

“If I gave you three ten dollar bills, how much change would I get?” said the boy.

“Seven dollars and sixty-four cents,” stated the clerk who appeared to be irritated by all the questions.

Larry said, as he disappeared through the door, “I don’t want to buy the items…that’s our arithmetic lesson for tomorrow, and I needed some help with it.”

“Welcome to Entropy Burgers — may I take your order?”

“I put in disorder a long time ago. The service here is getting worse all the time.”

“My experience Gibbs me reason to believe you.”

“I know the waitress who asked that, too. Her name’s Ellen Omega. She really made me thermally dynamic. So, I asked her out. I tell you, when she don’t like you, she really Boltz, man. Women like that are never distributed normally among the population.”

“What kind of Poisson would say something like this?”

Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

“You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!”

Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

“How do *you* know, Sister?”

“My Mother Superior told me so”

“But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?”

“Don’t be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself”

“Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life”

“How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!”

“I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know”

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.

“Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks”, then he lowers his voice and says to the barman “… and could you put the vodka in a teacup?”

“Oh no! It’s not that drunken Nun again is it?”