1. Act out your version of a company takeover.

2. Find a way to change everyone’s password to “chrysanthemum”.

3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.

4. Sneaking in the boss’s desk could land you an unexpected promotion.

5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out “what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art”.

6. Go into the other gender’s bathroom without fear of being caught.

7. Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will come so you can have someone to talk to.

8. Leave prank messages on the CEO’s voice mail.

9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.

10. Elevator surfing!

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.

The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says “Do you know your monkey stole my beer.” The pianist replies “No, but if you hum it, I’ll play it.”

Thought I’d let my doctor check me,
‘Cause I didn’t feel quite right. . .
All those aches and pains annoyed me
And I couldn’t sleep at night.

He could find no real disorder
But he wouldn’t let it rest.
What with Medicare and Blue Cross,
We would do a couple tests.

To the hospital he sent me
Though I didn’t feel that bad.
He arranged for them to give me
Every test that could be had.

I was fluoroscoped and cystoscoped,
My aging frame displayed.
Stripped, on an ice cold table,
While my gizzards were x-rayed.

I was checked for worms and parasites,
For fungus and the crud,
While they pierced me with long needles
Taking samples of my blood.

Doctors came to check me over,
Probed and pushed and poked around,
And to make sure I was living
They then wired me for sound.

They have finally concluded,
Their results have filled a page.
What I have will someday kill me;
My affliction is old age.

Name: _____________________ Date: _______________

_____________________________________________________
KNOWLEDGE:__ Really knows what he’s doing.
__ Knows just enough to be dangerous.
__ Only half a brain and is dangerous.
__ His coffee cup has a higher I.Q.

_____________________________________________________
ACCURACY: __ Does excellent work is not preoccupied.
__ Pretty good accuracy with large numbers.
__ Must take off shoes to count above ten.
__ What’s a number?

_____________________________________________________
ATTITUDE: __ Extremely co-operative.
__ Brown noser in good standing.
__ Often annoys co-workers and fights.
__ Doesn’t care, never did, never will.

_____________________________________________________
RELIABILE:__ Works so hard he gets extra days off.
__ Very dependable.
__ Rely on his being first one out the door.
__ Absolutely totally worthless.

_____________________________________________________
APPEARANCE: __ Extremely neat and clean.
__ Looks great on his day off.
__ Flies take him over fresh manure.
__ Dirt, filthy, smelly, and ugly.

_____________________________________________________
PERFORMANCE: __ Works hard if money is involved.
__ Does great work–at evaluation time.
__ Works well after ten cups of coffee.
__ Couldn’t do less if he were in a coma.

_____________________________________________________
LEADERSHIP: __ Carries chainsaw and gets good results.
__ Macho attitude. Commands total disgust.
__ One time some listened to him whine.
__ Unable to lead even the most ignorant.
_____________________________________________________

I understand that I have been counseled and understand
my rights under the privacy act of 1974. I further
acknowledge that I am as stupid as a football bat,
and I will make some attempt to correct my deficiencies.

_______________________________________
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