If you are asked to join a parade, don’t march behind the elephants.

If you are coasting, you’re going downhill.

If you are feeling good, don’t worry. You’ll get over it.

If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.

If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

If you are running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line.

If you are worried about being crazy, don’t be overly concerned. If you were, you would think you were sane.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone to blame.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them. - Harry S. Truman

If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with lies.

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. “I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes in total”, says the Genie.

The Scottish guy says, “I am a fisherman, my Dad’s a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity.” So, with a blink of the Genie’s eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity.”

Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, “I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.” The Genie explains, “well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out.”

The Irishman says, “Fill it up with water.”

Jimmy-Joe acquired an injury whilst tap dancing. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

I just got a car phone. I’m not here at the moment. Leave me a message and I’ll call you when I’m out.

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Wednesday, October 21, 1992

The local board of health closed down the Wing Wah Chinese restaurant in South Dennis, Mass., briefly in August for various violations.

The most serious, said officials, was the restaurant’s practice of draining water from cabbage by putting it in cloth laundry bags, placing them between two pieces of plywood in the parking lot, and driving over them with a van.

Said Health Director Ted Dumas, “I’ve seen everything now.”

A witch joke
What has handles and flies?
A witch in a dustbin!

A cannibal joke
Why don’t cannibals eat weathermen?
Because they give them wind!

A witch joke
What is evil and ugly and bounces?
A witch on a trampoline!

A Halloween joke
What do stupid kids do at Halloween?
They carve a face on an apple and go bobbing for pumpkins!

A witch joke
Why did the witch put her broom in the wash?
She wanted a clean sweep!

A ghost joke
What are little ghosts dressed in when it rains?
Boo-ts and ghoul-oshes!

A vampire joke
How does a vampire like his food served?
In bite sized pieces!

I Saw Teacher Kissing Santa Chlorine

I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine
under the chemistree last night
They didn’t sneak me down the periodic chart
to take a peek
At all the atoms reacting in their beakers;
it was neat.

And I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine
under the chemistree so bright
Oh what a reaction there would have been
if the principal had walked in
With teacher kissing Santa Chlorine last night.