A wizard joke
If a wizard was knocked out by Dracula in a fight what would he be?
Out for the count!

A wizard joke
What kinds of wizards have their eyes closest together?
The smallest ones!

A wizard joke
Why do wizards clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath!

A wizard joke
What happened to the wizard who ran away with the circus?
The police made him bring it back again!

A witch joke
Why do witches only ride their brooms after dark?
That’s the time to go to sweep!

A wizard joke
What happened when the wizard met the witch?
It was love at first fright!

A witch joke
When is it unlucky to see a black cat?
When your a mouse!

A wizard joke
How do you keep a wizard in suspense?
I’ll tell you tomorrow…!

(Darth Vader voice:) Speak, worm!

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Inverness, FL

A 71-yearl-old man fell off a dock and into the jaws of an alligator but said his knowledge of reptiles, gained from watching wildlife programs on television, helped him escape.

“I wasn’t a bit afraid. I knew what they usually do,” said George Blinn, who got away from the 7-foot gator by jabbing his thumb in its eye.

Blinn said he has long been a fan of such programs as Wild Kingdom and knew about alligators’ general behavior.

He got the chance to use that knowledge when he fell into the canal behind his house. Blinn said the alligator bit him on the left hand and then flopped him over in the water three times before Blinn escaped.

Q: How many folk-dancers does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Just one, but they break a lot of bulbs, when they drop everything to get onto the dance-floor when they hear the introduction to a dance they want to do.

Q: How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four, and you have to walk them through it a few times.

Q: How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Eight. Square dancers do everything in groups of eight.

Q: How many Techno dancers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six, one to wear it around the neck, one to bring ecstasy and give it to the dancer to distract him, one to steal the light bulb while the dancer is distracted and dazed from ecstasy, three to distract the remaining crowd so they will not try to grab the bulb.

Q: How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they don’t get up that high.

Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.

Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he has to go through a whole box to find just the right one.

Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to handle the bulb, and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would’ve done it.

On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

Windows 95 for my PC

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

6 ints conflictin’
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

7 files missin’
6 ints conflictin’
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

8 Megs overflowin’
7 files missin’
6 ints conflictin’
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

9 apps a crashin’
8 megs overflowin’
7 files missin’
6 ints conflictin’
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

10 modes not supported
9 apps a crashin’
8 Megs overflowin’
7 files missin’
6 ints conflictin’
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

11 instructions faulty
10 modes not supported
9 apps a crashin’
8 Megs overflowin’
7 files missin’
6 ints conflictin’
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .

12 illegal operations
11 instructions faulty
10 modes not supported
9 apps a crashin’
8 Megs overflowin’
7 files missin’
6 ints conflictin’
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

A penny saved is ridiculous.

All that glitters has a high refractive index.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Anarchy is better than no government at all.

Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.

Death is life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired.

Ten Things A Cat Thinks About

I could have sworn I heard the can opener.

Is there something I’m not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?

Why doesn’t the government do something about dogs?

I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?

Hmmm … If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can’t we cats ever get these STUPID dogs to do anything for us?

This looks like a good spot for a nap.

Hey — no kidding, I’m sure that’s the can opener.

Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn’t given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?

If there’s a God, how can He allow neutering?

If that really was the can opener, I’ll play finicky just to let THEM know who’s boss!

Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

“I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” says the beaming boy to his father.

“Nope,” comes dad’s reply, “I’m gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you’ve been doing to me all these years.”

Doctor, Doctor, I can’t get to sleep.
Sit on the edge of the bed and you’ll soon drop off.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me - I just can’t stop my hands shaking
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a woodworm
How boring for you!

Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a bridge
What’s come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.

Doctor, Doctor I think I’m an electric eel
That’s shocking!

Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a python
You can’t get round me just like that you know!