Archive for January 24th, 2008

At a grocery store

Thursday, January 24th, 2008

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, “No.” The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don’t be upset. It won’t be long now.”

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, “There, there, Monica, don’t cry - only two more aisles to go and then we’ll be checking out.”

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there’d be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, “Monica, we’ll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Monica,” he began.

The mother replied, “I’m Monica - my little girl’s name is Tammy.”

Nicknames of Bill Clinton and his master

Thursday, January 24th, 2008

Bill Clinton Nicknames

McPresident
Dollar Bill
The Bill we’ll be paying for years
Commander-in-thief
Hillary Rodham
the Great Pretender
Willy the Weasel

Hillary Clinton nicknames

Wicked witch of the west wing
Hilla the Hun
Robbery Hillham

Doctor doctor collection

Thursday, January 24th, 2008

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a dog!
Sit!

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a needle.
I see your point!
Tell me straight Doc, Is it bad?
Well, I ouldn’t start watching any new soap operas!

Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a telephone.
Well, take these pills and if they don’t work then give me a ring!

Doctor, Doctor I’m having trouble with my breathing.
I’ll give you something that will soon put a stop to that!

Doctor, Doctor what did the x-ray of my head show?
Absolutely nothing!

Doctor Doctor I’m so ugly what can I do about it?
Hire yourself out for Halloween parties!

Doctor, Doctor I keep painting myself gold
Don’t worry it’s just a gilt complex!

Business one-liners

Thursday, January 24th, 2008

Never try to pacify someone at the height of his rage.

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

Never volunteer for anything.

Never wrestle a pig; you both get dirty, and he likes it.

Nice guys finish last but it is lonely at the top.

No experiment is ever a complete failure; it can always be used as a bad example.

No good deed goes unpunished.

No man is lonely while eating spaghetti.

No man’s credit is as good as his money.

Scary collection

Thursday, January 24th, 2008

A Halloween joke
What happened to the girl who wore a mouse costume to her Halloween party?
The cat are her!

A ghost joke
How do ghosts keep fit?
By regular exorcise!

A cannibal joke
What did the cannibal make of her new friend?
A hotpot!

A ghost joke
What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees!

A cannibal joke
Why did the cannibal have a hangover?
He went to a party and got stewed!

A ghost joke
Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin!

A vampire joke
Why did the vampire baby stop having baby food?
He wanted something to get his teeth into!