Lease a Nuke!

Want power and respect? Want to influence the course of world events? Want to be on CNN every night? Tired of hum-drum conventional warfare and messy bio-chemical weapons? Want to watch the citizens of your favorite arcology squirm and sweat in constant nagging fear of instant and unexpected anhilation?

Lease a nuclear device!

In the wake of the former Soviet Union’s demise, there are literally thousand of high-quality nuclear weapons complete with intercontinental delivery systems going unused.

Though these systems are indeed powerful and destructive weapons of war, they are most effective when used in a more passive role. The US and USSR have proven in years of research and actual testing that nuclear devices are most effective when merely targeting an enemy. Actual detonation is not normally necessary to acheive tremendous effect in the designated target’s military, political, economic and social well being.

Imagine the boost in national pride and morale when you personally announce on state radio and television that you have put long-time enemies under threat of nuclear destruction. They will praise your name as a powerful and inspired leader even without the secret police’s encouragement.

Why lease?

By leasing, you not only save money developing your own nuclear technology program, you save a lot of unnecessary headaches too.

Nuclear weapons development is expensive and time consuming, not to mention easily detectable. It could take you years to aquire and build the necessary industry to manufacture weapons-grade material. Even after that, you still have to design, build and test your first device before anyone takes you seriously.

Purchasing existing nuclear hardware is also expensive and risky. Most governments are on the lookout for such activity. Many dealers are crooked. Do you really want to take a chance getting ripped off by shady weapons dealers?

Even if you succeed purchasing through the black market, you stand the risk of getting on the wrong side of international opinion. You could lose existing conventional arms contracts, face economic sanctions or even military action.

With a lease you avoid a lot of other problems too. Since the weapons are not on your property, you avoid becoming a target yourself. You can forget about the high cost of security, environmental pollution concerns and even subversion by renegade generals in your own army.

The advantages of leasing are tremendous. You just sign, point, and go! When you are through leasing, just turn in the button and walk away. You can even change your target at any time for a small fee. (Handy for preventing those nasty coup d’ etats.) You can announce your target or keep it secret. Each targeted device contract comes with a certificate of authenticity and sufficient proof actual delivery capability.

The best part is, you don’t pay for the whole weapon, unless you actually fire it! This alone presents a HUGE cost savings over the alternatives.

Imagine the power and prestige you will feel when you get your very own button. You can do things you never thought possible, like pounding your shoe on the UN podium. Hey, and nothing says sexy like a nuclear trigger.

Hurry, opportunities are limited! Contact Raydeax corpoaration for more details on how you too can become an instant nuclear world power.

Dr. Nuketopia,

Technology Director of the World-Wide Monetary Conspiracy

(Opinions strictly reflect the party line)

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: This can not be computed. Changing light bulbs is a *hardware* problem…

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the light bulb and one to make sure the stack of manuals doesn’t tip over.

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, once the documentation for the procedure is found in one of the 15 manuals on the shelf.

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Well, it depends upon the platform on which one stands!

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Actually none, if you are willing to close your eyes to the (validity of the) output.

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It can’t be done yet. “Light bulb” is more than 8 characters long.

Note: SAS is a 4GL. It stands for the Statistical Analysis System and is a huge conglomerate of programs and procedures for doing a wide variety of statistical and semi-statistical analyses (not to mention reporting the results, graphing them, etc.). It is infamous for its huge array of thick manuals which are difficult to wade through, and hence one can spend a lot of time trying to find the tiny feature that will do what you want. Cary is the town in North Carolina where SAS Inc is based, and where SAS support staff are.)

Q: How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign in a realtor’s office: “Lots for little.”

Sign in a shoe store: “Come in and have a fit.”

Sign in a maternity clothes store: “We are open on labor day.”

Sign in a non-smoking area: “If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

Sign on the door of the maternity ward: “Push Push Push.”

Sign at entrance of the IRS: “Watch your step.”

Sign at the exit of the IRS: “Watch your mouth.”

Sign in a bookstore: “We treat you write.”

Sign on a front door: “Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.”

I have two sons who are at opposite poles on the military issue. Rick thinks the military exists “only to kill people” and says so at every chance he gets.

Mike thinks the military is the greatest thing since sliced bread, and plans to make it his career. Needless to say, when they get together, sparks fly.

A recent interchange went something like this:

Rick: “‘Military intelligence’ is a contradiction in terms.”

Mike: “No more than ‘civilian worker’.”

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.

Q: How many MP’s does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a fact-finding committee to learn more about how it’s done.

Q: How many Tory MP’s does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I’m sorry I can’t tell you that, the light bulb changing service has been privatised and the information you require is commercially sensitive.

Q: How many Thatcherites does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. It’s up to the private sector to provide the finance for it.

Q: How many John Majors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to not do anything about it and one to try and blame the failure of the old bulb on the Labour party who put the original bulb in place 17 years ago.

Q: How many Home Secretaries does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None - they merely sack someone else for letting it go out.