These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters

Women’s Movement Called More Broad-Based

Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Fund Set Up for Beating Victim’s Kin

Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce the “S”

Dumb Illinois Laws
You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person.
You may be convicted of a Class 4 felony offense, punishable by up to three years in state prison, for the crime of “eavesdropping” on your own conversation. -720 ILCS 5/14-2.
You must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile.
The English language is not to be spoken.
Chicago
Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.
It is illegal to give a dog whiskey.
Kites may not be flown within the city limits.
Spitting is forbidden
In the Pullman area, it is illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while sitting on the curb.
It is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe’s neck.
It is legal to protest naked in front of city hall as long as you are under seventeen years of age and have legal permits.
Champaign
One may not pee in his neighbor’s mouth.
Cicero
Humming on public streets is prohibited on Sundays.
Crete
Cars may not be driven through the town.
Des Plaines
Wheelbarrows with For-Sale signs may not be chained to trees.
Eureka
A man with a moustache may not kiss a woman.
Evanston
Bowling is forbidden.
It is illegal to go trick-or-treating on Halloween.
It is unlawful to change clothes in an automobile with the curtains drawn, except in case of fire.
Fairfield
It is unlawful for “negroes” to be within county boundries from sundown to sunrise.
Freeport
It is illegal to expectorate from any second-story window.
Galesburg
There is a $1,000 dollar fine for beating rats with baseball bats.
Homer
It is against the law to use a slingshot unless your are a law enforcement officer.
Joliet
Town fathers, reflecting the pet peeve of hearing their town’s name mispronounced ‘Jolly-ETTE’ when all local folk know it’s pronounced ‘Joe-lee-ETTE’, made pronouncing it Jolly-ette a misdemeanor, punishable by a $5 fine.
Kenilworth
A rooster must step back three hundred feet from any residence if he wishes to crow. Hens that wish to cackle must step two hundred feet back from any residence.
Kirkland
Bees are not allowed to fly over the village or through any of Kriland’s streets.
Moline
Ice skating at the Riverside pond during the months of June and August is prohibited.
There is a ban on unnecessary repetitive driving on 23rd Avenue.
Morton Grove
You may not own a handgun
Normal
It is against the law to make faces at dogs.
Orland Prak
No pool tables are allowed in a public establishment, because it supports gambling.
Ottawa
Spitting on the sidewalk is a criminal offense.
Park Ridge
Trucks may only park inside closed garages.
Peoria
Basketball hoops may not be instaled on a driveway.
Zion
It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, or any other domesticated animals.

There’s quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn’t begin at 40. That’s a big fat lie.
My hair’s getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.

I smell of Vick’s-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker’s all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I’ll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?

Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I’m off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I’ll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Duane!
Duane who?
Duane the bath, I’m dwowning!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Dummy!
Dummy who?
Dummy a favour and go away!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Dunce!
Dunce who?
Dunce-ay another word!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Dustin Hoffman!
Dustin Hoffman who?
Dustin Hoffman welcome mat for you!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Dwayne!
Dwayne who?
Dwayne in Spain falls mainly on the plain…!

Random fact number 10: The first manned mission to Jupiter will be crewed by the Smiths. Random fact number 64: Dairy Queen discovered cold temperature fusion before the bums in Utah. Random fact number 36: Bren’s not here and he wants you leave a message. Random fact number 22: Bismarck is the capital of North Dakota.

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Turkey!
Turkey who?
Turkey, open door!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Turnip!
Turnip who?
Turnip the heat it’s cold in here!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Twig!
Twig who?
Twig or tweat!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Twyla!
Twyla who?
Twyla light of the Gods!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Typhoid!
Typhoid who?
Typhoid that song before!