What does a caterpillar do on New Years Day?
Turns over a new leaf!

What is the definition of a caterpillar?
A worm in a fur coat!

What has stripes and pulls a tractor?
A caterpillar tractor!

What does a cat go to sleep on?
A caterpillow!

What’s green and dangerous?
A caterpillar with a machine gun!

What pillar doesn’t need holding up?
A caterpillar!

While waiting for a bus, the blind man’s dog decided to go to the bathroom all over the blind man’s legs.
A passerby commented to the blind man, “What! That dog just went to the bathroom all over your legs, and you are petting him?! Are you crazy?”
To which the blind man replied, “Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling for his bottom, so I can kick him.”

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,” may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.” The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: ” no tanks, I’ll just wait till the Garda get here!”

Pat was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn’t take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it’s a miracle of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill the next morning, the priest said, “Careful now, boys; mind ye don’t bump the gatepost again”

(Bad imitations:)

Picard: Assume standard orbit, Mr. LaForge. Sensor readings, Lieutenant?

Worf: Scanning, Captain… Strange… No life-forms.

Picard: Recommendations, Mr. Data?

Data: Intriguing, Captain. Perhaps we should simply leave a message.

WinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in danger
WinErr 002: No Error - Yet
WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confused
WinErr 006: Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
WinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
WinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what happened
WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB
WinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More!
WinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outside
WinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look inside
WinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr 011: Window open - Do not look outside
WinErr 012: Window closed - Do not look inside
WinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ?
WinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error - System destroyed. Buy new one.
WinErr 019: User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr 01A: OS overwritten - Please reinstall all software.
WinErr 01B: Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will suffer a penalty for that.
WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
WinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.
WinErr 042: Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
WinErr 079: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
WinErr 683: Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available.
WinErr 912: Purchase a new copy of Windows today. Old license void. Windows has been deleted.