On the other hand, you have different fingers.

“I love cats…they taste just like chicken”

“Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.”

“Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician”

“I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car….”

“Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!”

“I souport publik edekasion”

“We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.”

“Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?”

“Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy.”

You might be a redneck if…

You list your parole officer as a reference.

There are more fish on your wall than pictures.

Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.

You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.

You’ve ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.

You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, even in the wrong denomination.

The sun goes down just when you need it the most.

The tasks and chores that get rewarded, get done first.

The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.

The tough part of a Data Processing Manager’s job is that users don’t really know what they want, but they know for what they don’t want.

The trouble with doing right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was!

The two greatest causes of system failures are sysadmins and users. If you can keep both of these groups away from your machines, the reliability increases dramatically.

The usefulness of any meeting is in inverse proportion to the attendance.

The trick is to stop thinking it is ‘your’ money. - IRS auditor

The trouble with life is that it’s a do-it-yourself kit without instructions.

There is never time to do it right, but there’s always time to do it over.

1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed
2. All polar bears are left-handed
3. If your car is stolen, there’s a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear

1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles
2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles
3. Work stuffs up your eyesight

1. All dogs are animals
2. All cats are animals
3. Therefore, all dogs are cats

1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second
2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second
3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.”

“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.”

“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”

“Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

First name: ______________________
Last name(if known):______________

Address (where you live):_________
__________________________________

Mother’s name_____________________
(also relation, i.e., sister)

Birthdate(yours):__________________

Father’s name:_____________________
(if known, if not, list choices)

Color of neck:
Light Red ( )
Medium Red( )
Dark Red ( )
No Neck ( )

Year of pickup truck:_____________

List all that you have in your truck:

Fuzzy Dice( ) Gun Rack( ) Coon Tail( )
Filled ash tray( ) Dead Road Kill( )
Dog of Unknown Breed( )

Have you ever been to a large city?
(Like Little Rock) Yes ( ) No ( )

How far can you throw cow pies?____
Do you eat cow pies? Yes( ) No( )

Wife’s name:__________________
Is she: Cousin( ) Neighbor( )
Sister( ) Aunt ( ) Mother( )
Neighbor’s dog( )

Does your wife weigh:
Less than 200 Pounds( )
Less than 300 Pounds( )
Less than a 747( )
More than a 747( )

Do you know what a 747 is?
Yes( ) No( )

How much smarter than you
is your wife:

50 IQ Points( ) 75 IQ Points( )
100 IQ Points( ) She Won’t Tell Me( )

Does your wife wear:

A Dress( ) Pants( ) Hot Pants( )
Your Pants( ) Them Lawyer Clothes( )
Nothing( )

Understood previous questions:

Yes( ) No( ) Huh?( )
All of the Above( )
What “previous” mean?( )

Color of wife’s hair:

Blonde( ) Red( ) Brown( )
Black( ) Bald( )

Last Elvis sighting:
Location: ________________
On what date?_____________

Can you count past five:
Yes( ) No( ) Past ten: Yes( ) No( )

Explain in ten words or less
why on Earth you want to be Governor
of Arkansas:

________________________________
Signature (’X’ if you can’t write)