A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. “They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” she cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. “Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake.”

The job security quiz will help judge how long you’ll end up at your current job and what will become of you.

The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you…

A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.

B. Inform him that you’re planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.

C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you’ve finished the level.

There’s a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?

A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who’s been working with you.

B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.

C. Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, “Won’t have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock.”

When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?

A. Stay home and watch ‘I Love Lucy’ reruns.

B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.

C. Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.

Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?

A. Listen politely, and then apologize.

B. Blame someone else.

C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you’ve written the word “union.”

When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you…

A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.

B. Key it … then tell the CEO’s secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.

C. Key it … then proudly tell the CEO’s secretary that you did it.

Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid’s fifth birthday party, what do you do?

A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.

B. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.

C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.

The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you…

A. Clean the office while he supervises.

B. Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.

C. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss’ face.

Scoring this test

Mostly A’s: You have nothing to worry about. They’ll never fire you because you’re a doormat.

Mostly B’s: You’re not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you’ll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You’re a real jerk.

Mostly C’s: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he’s terrified of what you might do.

You might be a redneck if…

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you’ll wear to the 4-H Fair.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.

You mow your lawn and find a car.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.

You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead?”

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

Strange! No one ever says “It’s only a game,” when their team is winning.

Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

A tribute to the United States Marine Corps and the reasons why they are superior to the many organizations of the world . . .

* United States Marine Corps Birthday: 10 NOVEMBER 1775 *

1) Best haircut. Hands down. You can’t have a bad hair day with a high and tight. And you spend less on shampoo.

2) Dress blues. They’re the coolest uniforms in any military worldwide.

3) Bloused trousers. Another distinctive Marine look that sets the proudest service members apart.

4) The rest of the Marine sea bag. From the Alphas to the camouflage utilities, uniforms just look better on a Marine than any other service member.

5) Marines don’t wear dungarees.

6) Most respect I. When the Marines pulled out of Haiti and Somalia, the media reported the U.S. military was pulling out — as if tens of thousands of Army troops weren’t still in the country. Now that’s respect.

7) Most respect II. When the Corps came back to Haiti after 60 years, an old man on the Cap-Haitien beach said “Welcome back!”
Toughest mascot. The Marine Corps’ is a bulldog. The Navy’s: a goat.

9) Esprit de Corps. Even if you can’t spell it or pronounce it, the Marine Corps has it in spades. One example: When sailors get tattoos, they do it to express their individuality, and their choices range from Betty Boop and Mickey Mouse to raging sea serpents. When Marines get tattoos, they do it to express their solidarity, and choose bull dogs, “death before dishonor,” and “USMC.”

10) Best war monument: Iwo Jima

11) The Marines invade, then go home. The Army has to do the occupying.

12) The silent drill team. Just watching them ply their trade makes you want to wear dress blues.

13) Status. Sailors live and work on ships. Marines go for cruises — then hit the shore.

14) Best fast attack vehicles: LAVs.

15) Best fighting knife: Ka-Bar.

16) Best duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea.

17) Worst duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea.

18) Most exotic duty assignments: Kuala Lumpur, The White House.

19) Best phone number. Call 1-800-MARINES and you’ve got the Corps. And if you’re a civilian with the character to be a Marine, a recruiter there will be happy to sign you up.

20) Toughest DI’s. (Drill Instructors). They’re so tough that when the Navy wants to train its officers, who do they call? 1-800-MARINES.

21) Toughest boot camp. When San Diego was still training Navy recruits, legend has it that recruits occasionally would jump the fence and accidentally land in Marine boot camp. The Marines would keep them a couple of days, and when the recruits were sent back, they were ready to be sailors!

22) Best motivational cries: Ooh-rah! - Attack! - Kill!

23) Best emblem: Eagle, Globe and Anchor. (Air, Land and Sea)

24) Best campaign covers: The Smokey Bear hat.

25) Separate heads for enlisted and officers. Everywhere else, officers and enlisted use the same pot.

26) The only official, congressionally sanctioned hymn for any of the services: “The Marines’ Hymn.”

Canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing.

Ice cream may not be eaten on Sundays.

Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!
Dishes must drip dry.

It is illegal to buy or sell marijuana, but it is legal to smoke it on your own property.

You may not pump your own gas in service stations.

The “Peer Review Statute” prohibits you from finding out details of any written or oral discussion about your medical treatment. Not even a court of law can. All you can access is what the doctor or nurse voluntarily records in your chart.

One may not bathe without wearing “suitable clothing,” i.e.,that which covers one’s body from neck to knee.

Beaverton
You must buy a $10 permit to be allowed to install a burglar alarm.

Eugene
It is legal to conduct a horse race or a symphony concert.

It is illegal to show movies or attend a car race on Sundays. (Repealed in the 1970s)

Hood River
Juggling is strictly prohibited without a license.

Klamath Falls
It’s illegal to walk down a sidewalk and knock a snakes head off with your cane.

Portland
People may not whistle underwater.

It’s against the law for a wedding ceremony to be performed at a skating rink. (Repealed in 1989)

You cannot wear roller skates in restrooms.

Marion
Ministers are forbidden from eating garlic or onions before delivering a sermon.

Myrtle Creek
One may not box with a kangaroo.

Salem
Women may not wrestle in Salem.

Springfield
It is illegal to own a reptile within the city limits, unless you are a school or city, as a pet.

Stanfield
No more than two people may share a single drink.

Cloth towel dispensers are banned from restrooms.

A ghost joke
What happened when the ghost asked for a whiskey at his local bar?
The bartender said “Sorry sir, we don’t serve spirits here”!

A cannibal joke
Why did the cannibal live on his own?
He was fed up with other people!

A witch joke
What’s the witches favourite pop group?
Broomski Beat!

A Halloween joke
What happened when the girl dressed as a spoon left the Halloween party?
No one moved, they couldn’t stir without her!

A witch joke
What is evil and ugly on the inside and green on the outside?
A witch dressed as a cucumber!

A vampire joke
Why does Dracula have no friends?
Because he’s a pain in the neck!

A witch joke
How can you tell when a witch is really ugly?
When a wasp stings her it closes his eyes!

I’m only here in spirit at the moment, but if you’ll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I’m here in person.

A day without sunshine is like night.

A disagreeable task is its own reward.

A donkey is a horse designed by a study team.

A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.

A flying particle will seek the nearest eye.

A fool and his money are soon elected.

A fool and his money stabilize the economy.

A free agent is anything but.

A friend in need is a pest indeed.

A geophysicist is not drunk as long as he can hang onto a single blade of grass and not fall off the face of the earth.

How did the telephones get married?
In a double ring ceremony!

What is a polygon?
A dead parrot!

Dad, there is a man at the door collecting for the new swimming pool.
Give him a glass of water!

Eat up your spinach, it’ll put color in your cheeks.
But I don’t want green cheeks!

“Quick, take the wheel”, said the nervous driver.
“Why?”
“Because there is a tree coming straight for us!”

Where does success come before work?
In the dictionary!

Did you hear about the fool you keeps going around saying “no”?
No.
Oh, so it’s you!