A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it,” I’m sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I’m not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I’ll have to get back to you then.” He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, “Now, what can I do for you?”

“Nothing,” replied the man. “I’m here to hook up your phone.”

Humorous Computer-Related Acronyms

IBM

I Blame Microsoft

Idiots Buy Me

Idiots Building Machines

I’ll Buy Macintoshes

It Bit Me

It Built Microsoft

It’s Better Manually

I’ve Been Mislead

I’ve Been Mugged

WINDOWS

Well, It Never Does Operate With Speed

When I Need Data Output Without Speed

While Idle, Needs DX or WorkStation

Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

WIN

Whoppingly Immense NOP

Worm Infestation Netware

MS-WINDOWS NT / WINDOWS NT

My Solitaire With Its New De-accelerator, Only With Some Network Technology

Well Intended, Netword De-accelerator, Only Works Sometimes, Never Totally

WINDOWS (as a) Network Trojan

Different Operating Systems Expectations

Macintosh: What You See Is What You Get

MS-DOS: You Asked For It, You Got It

UNIX: IfUHv2sk, UDntWnt2Kno

VMS: You Got It, All Of It, Want It Or Not

Random Abbreviations for Many Computer Companies

APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

DEC: Dump Everything and Close

DEC: Do Expect Cuts

HCL: Hilarious Computer Logic

HP: Hot Pursuit

IBM: I Blame Microsoft

MAC: Most Absurd Computer

MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

NEXT: Now EXchange for Trash

OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.

WARP: What A Rot Program

Acronymns for Other Computer Terms:

AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction

BASIC: Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control

CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

DOS: Defective Operating System

ISDN: It Still Does Nothing

LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis

MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

PCMCIA: People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

SCSI: System Can’t See It

WWW: World Wide Wait

An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: “Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it’s any good, I’ll send you a check.”

In a short time he received the following reply: “Please send check. If it’s any good, we’ll send the engine.”

1. If it rings, put it on hold.
2. If it clunks, call the repairman.
3. If it whistles, ignore it.
4. If it’s a friend, stop work and chat.
5. If it’s the boss, look busy.
6. If it talks, take notes.
7. If it’s handwritten, type it.
8. if it’s typed, copy it.
9. If it’s copied, file it.
10. If it’s Friday, forget it!

Hello. (Pause.) Hello? (Pause.) Hello! (Pause.) No, it doesn’t look as if I’m in right now. Maybe you should leave a message at the beep or call me back later. BEEP. (Pause three seconds.) Just kidding, that wasn’t really the beep. Are you ready now?

Total immersion geologists

Total immersion geologists: Are you totally obsessed with geology? If so, then you are a total immersion geologist. Here are the ten warning signs:

1. You judge a restaurant by the type of decorative building stone they use rather than their food.

2. You manage to turn any conversation into a discussion of geology, as in: “What did you think of that Superbowl game last night?” “I must have missed that conference. Who sponsored it? Geological Society of America?”

3. You refuse to let nightfall stop your field excursions and continue looking at the outcrops using the headlights of your field vehicle.

4. You like rock music only because it’s called “rock” music.

5. You will try to claw through the water flowing in a stream to get a better look at the bedrock at the base of the channel.

6. You will walk across eight lanes of freeway traffic to see if the outcrop on the other side of the highway is the same type of rock as the side you’re parked on.

7. You name your children after rocks and minerals.

8. You’re not sure if you have children.

9. You view non-geologists as subhuman.