The only sense that is common in the long run is the sense of change. We instinctively avoid it.

The only time to be positive is when you are positive you are wrong.

The organization of any program reflects the organization of the people who developed it.

The other line always moves faster.

The paperless office will become a reality about the same time as the paperless toilet.

The person not here is the one working on the problem.

The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk to the other end of the building.

The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that’s the way to bet.

You might be a redneck if…

Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.

In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.

Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.

You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.

You’ve ever spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.

The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”.

Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An Air Bag.

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee’

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

OLD HIKERS never die, they just trail away

OLD HIPPIES never die, they just smell that way

OLD HOCKEY PLAYERS never die, they just achieve their final goal

OLD HOMEBREWERS never die, they just ferment away

OLD HUNTERS never die, they just stay LOADED

OLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just imagine it

OLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just lose their grippe

OLD IMMORTALS [vampires, whatever] never die, they just…don’t

OLD INTERPRETERS (for the deaf) never die, they just sign off

OLD INVESTORS never die, they just roll over

OLD JOKES never die, they just get retold by the young

OLD JOURNALISTS never die, they just get de-pressed

OLD KAYAKERS never die, they just roll back over, and do it again

OLD KEY PUNCH OPERATORS never die, they just punch out

OLD KIDS never die, they just adulterate

To the Batmobile! Let’s go! Atomic batteries to power! Turbines to speed! Roger, ready to move out! (Theme music from Batman; reduce to background.) As you can see, I’m off making Montreal a safer place’ to live. So if you’ll leave a message after the tone, I’ll get back to you as soon as justice is served. Bye-bye! (Music continues. POW, BIFF.)

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Olaf!
Olaf who?
Olaf you!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Oldest Son!
Oldest Son who?
Oldest Son shines bright on my old Kentucky home…!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Olga!
Olga who?
Olga way when I’m good and ready!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Olive!
Olive who?
Olive none of your lip!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Olive!
Olive who?
Olive you!