Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem can there be greater than this one?”
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.
To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. “Who’s the boss around here?” he asked.
“I am.” said the man.
“I have a black horse and a brown horse,” the farmer said, “which one would you like?”
The man thought for a minute and said, “The black one.”
“No, no, no, get the brown one.” the man’s wife said.
“Here’s your chicken.” said the farmer.
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, does it make a sound?
A single fact can spoil a good argument.
Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.
I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to.
Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we’re already there?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If you yelled at your plants instead of talking to them, would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
What’s yellow, wiggles and is dangerous?
A maggot with attitude!
Why was the glow worm unhappy?
Because her children weren’t that bright!
What do worms leave round their baths?
The scum of the earth!
What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant?
Very big worm holes in your garden!
What reads and lives in an apple?
A bookworm!
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It’s been nice gnawing you!
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!
What did the maggot say to another?
What’s a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this!
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag?
They can lighten your load!
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python?
A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death!
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?”
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?” Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.
The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?”
And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “why wouldn`t you answer that guy’s question?”
The clerk answers, “D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!”
Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.
The first says, “I’m so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!”
The second says, “Well I’m so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!”
Then the third rat gets up and says, “Later guys, I’m off home to harass the cat.”
A witch joke
What’s yellow and very poisonous?
Witch infested custard!
A witch joke
Why did the witch buy two tickets to the zoo?
One to get in and one to get out!
A witch joke
What do you call a wich made of cotton and has lots of holes in her?
A string hag!
A witch joke
What happened to the naughtly little witch at school?
She was ex-spelled!
A witch joke
What should you do if you find a witch in your bed?
Run!
A witch joke
Where do witches keep their purses?
In hag bags!
A witch joke
What is the favorite subject of young witches at school?
Spelling!
There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!
The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, “Oh no. That couldn’t be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie.”
A werewolf joke
Who are some of the werewolves cousins?
The whatwolves and whenwolves!
A skeleton joke
What do you do if you see a skeleton running across a road?
Jump out of your skin and join him!
A vampire joke
If you want to know more about Dracula what do you have to do?
Join his fang club!
A skeleton joke
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones!
A vampire joke
What’s Dracula’s favourite soup?
Scream of tomato!
A ghost joke
Where do ghost trains stop?
At devil crossings!
A cannibal joke
How does a witch-doctor ask a girl to dance?
”Voodoo like to dance with me!
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
Did you hear about the farmer you ploughed his field with a steamroller ?
He wanted to grow mash potatoes!
What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
You take me for grunted.
Q: When is a farmer like a magician?
A: When he turns his cow to pasture.
Q: Why did the farmer call his pig “Ink”?
A: Because it was always running out of the pen.
Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
A: Laughing stock.
Q: Why can’t the bankrupt cowboy complain?
A: He has got no beef.