New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney …

Oh Lordy!
A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Joe Green, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City.”

Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom.”

So the taxi-driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line. Without being asked, he proclaims, “I am Michael O’Connor, head pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years.”

Saint Peter consults his list and says, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute,” says the preacher, “that man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff. But I get wood and cotton. How can this be?”

“Up here, we go by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept — while he drove, people prayed.”

Dumb New York Laws
A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking “at a woman in that way.” A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a “pair of horse-blinders” wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.
It is against the law to throw a ball at someone’s head for fun.
A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline.
The penalty for jumping off a building is death.
A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.
While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door.
Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M.
Carmel
A man can’t go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.
Greene
During a concert, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks.
New York
Citizens may not greet each other by “putting one’s thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers”.
It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing “body hugging clothing.”
You may not smoke within 100 feet of the entrance to a public building.
Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.
Ocean City
It is illegal to eat in the street in residential neighborhoods, and the only beverage you can drink on the beach is water in a clear plastic bottle.
It is illegal for men to go topless in the center of town.
Staten Island
You may only water your lawn if the hose is held in your hand.
It is illegal for a father to call his son a “faggot” or “queer” in an effort to curb “girlie behavior.”

Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.

Q: How many Labour Party members does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They haven’t got a policy on that.

Q: How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an ‘800′ number to order an American light bulb.

Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, if he wants to sit in the dark, it’s his business.

Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in the dark.

Q: How many Perot supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they all just quit and go home!

Q: How many Presidential family members does it take to screw in a light bulb in the White House?
A: Two, Hillary for her office, Bill for the rest of the White House.

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two–one to promise he’ll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.

Your first job will be to sweep the floor.

But I’m a college student the young man replied.

In that case give me the broom - I’ll show you how.

Harrisberger’s Fourth Law of the Lab: Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.

Hartley’s First Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you’ve got something.

Hawaiian Rules Of J.W.: 1) Never judge a day by the weather. 2) The best things in life aren’t things. 3) Tell the truth; there’s less to remember. 4) Speak softly and wear a loud aloha shirt. 5) Goals are deceptive; the unaimed arrow never misses. 6) He who dies with the most toys, still dies. 7) Age is relative; when you’re over the hill, you pick up speed. There are two ways to be rich: make more or desire less. 9) Beauty is internal; looks mean nothing. 10) No rain, no rainbows.

Heller’s Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.

Hinds’ Law Of Computer Programming: 1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 2) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. 3) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. 4) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. 5) The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. 6) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it. 7) Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.

Hlade’s Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person; they will find an easier way to do it.

Hofstadter’s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter’s Law into account.

The only sense that is common in the long run is the sense of change. We instinctively avoid it.

The only time to be positive is when you are positive you are wrong.

The organization of any program reflects the organization of the people who developed it.

The other line always moves faster.

The paperless office will become a reality about the same time as the paperless toilet.

The person not here is the one working on the problem.

The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk to the other end of the building.

The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that’s the way to bet.

Children may smoke, but they may not purchase cigarettes.

Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.

Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!
Affiliation with the Communist party is illegal.

No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car.

Bullets may not be used as currency.

Alcoholic drink specials are illegal.

Massachusetts liquor stores can only open on Sundays if they are in Berkshire, Essex, Franklin, Middlesex or Worcester counties and are within 10 miles of the Vermont or New Hampshire borders.

It’s illegal to drive Texan, Mexican, Cherokee, or Indian cattle on a public road. (MGL Chapter 129 Section 35)

Tomatoes may not be used in the production of clam chowder.

Hunting on Sundays is prohibited.

It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.

At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches.

Public boxing matches are outlawed.

It is unlawful to injure a football goal post, doing so is punishable by a $200 fine.

It’s illegal to keep a mule on the second floor of a building not in a city unless there are 2 exits. (MGL Chapter 272 section 86)

It’s illegal to sell fewer than 24 ducklings at a time before May 1, or to sell rabbits, chicks, or ducklings that have been painted a different color. (MGL Chapter 272 Section 80D)

It’s illegal to allow someone to use stilts while working on the construction of a building. (MGL Chapter 149 Section 129B)

Defacing a milk carton is punishable by a $10 fine.

It is illegal to frighten a pigeon.

An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.

All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday. (Repealed)

Tattooing and body piercing is illegal. (Repealed October 2000)

Quakers and witches are banned.

Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.

It is illegal to reproach Jesus Christ or the holy ghost. (MGL Chapter 272 section 36)

Boston
No one may take a bath without a prescription.

It is illegal for any citizen to own more than three dogs.

An old law prohibits the taking of baths on Sunday.

Duels to the death permitted on the common on Sundays provided that the Governor is present.

Women may not wear heels over 3 inches in length while on the common.

Anyone may let their sheep and cows graze in the public gardens/commons at any time except Sundays.

No more than two baths may be taken within the confines of the city.

No one may cross the Boston Common without carrying a shotgun in case of bears.

It is illegal to play the fiddle.

Two people may not kiss in front of a church.

It is illegal to eat peanuts in church.

Burlington
You may not walk around with a “drink”.

Cambridge
It is illegal to shake carpets in the street, or to throw orange peels on the sidewalk (section 12.16.100).

It costs $50 extra for a permit for hurling, soccer or Gaelic football games in a public park on a Sunday. (section 12.20.030)

Hingham
You may not have colored lights on your house if it can be seen from Main Street. Only white lights may be visible.

If you live on Main Street and want to paint your house, the colors must be approved by the historical society.

Hopkinton
Though horses and cows are allowed on the common, dogs are prohibited.

Longmeadow
It is illegal for two men to carry a bathtub across the town green.

Marlboro
One may not detonate a nuclear device in the city.

Silly string is illegal in the city limits.

It is illegal for any citizen to own more than two dogs.

It is illegal to buy, sell or possess a squirt gun.

Milford
Peeping in the windows of automobiles is forbidden.

Newton
All families must be given a hog from the town’s mayor.

North Andover
An ordinance prohibits the use of space guns.

Woburn
In bars, it is actually illegal to “walk around” with a beer in your hand. (Repealed)