Doesn’t It Annoy You When…

…there’s a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?

…you buy an answering machine so you won’t miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?

…there’s a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?

…you’re reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?

…you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it’ll magically open for them and not you.

…someone says, “well, to make a long story short” and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.

…a friend or family member says “Yuck! This is awful!!” and then tells you to try some.

…you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you’re just looking around.

…you rub on hand cream and can’t turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

…a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.

…your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.

…there’s a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

…the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.

…someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.

…the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.

…you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don’t, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.

A woman hears from her doctor that she has only half a year to live.

The doctor advises her to marry an economist and to live in South Dakota.

The woman asks: will this cure my illness?

The doctor replies: No, but the half year will seem pretty long.

What is a spiders favorite TV show?
The newly web game!

What did the wife spider say to her husband when he tried to explain why he was late?
Your spinning me a yarn here!

What do you get if you cross a tarantula with a rose?
I’m not sure, but I wouldn’t try smelling it!

Why are spiders like tops?
They are always spinning!

What do you call a 100 spiders on a tyre?
A spinning wheel!

What has 8 legs and likes living in trees?
Four anti road protesters?

What did the spider say when he broke his new web?
Darn it!

What do you call a big irish spider?
Paddy long legs!

What is red and dangerous?
Strawberry and tarantula jelly!

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign in a realtor’s office: “Lots for little.”

Sign in a shoe store: “Come in and have a fit.”

Sign in a maternity clothes store: “We are open on labor day.”

Sign in a non-smoking area: “If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

Sign on the door of the maternity ward: “Push Push Push.”

Sign at entrance of the IRS: “Watch your step.”

Sign at the exit of the IRS: “Watch your mouth.”

Sign in a bookstore: “We treat you write.”

Sign on a front door: “Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.”

You might be a redneck if…

You’ve ever worn hunter’s orange to church.

You have barnyard animals living in your house.

Every pair of jeans you own has a tobacco can ring worn in one of the rear pockets.

Your truck has a bumper sticker that reads, “Gun control is a steady hand.”

Your wife has ever torn her hose on the boogers stuck under the front of the pickup seat.

You have ever had a special loaded gun by the back door only for use on possums.

You have ever shot a possum on your porch.

You don’t use a garbage service because it must be placed up near the mail box and you can’t see far enough thru the trees to shoot the neighbors’ dogs when they get into it.

You only go to the dump when you have enough to fill up the pickup.

You have more than 500 rounds of ammunition in your house….not including 22 caliber.