Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
The Road to Hawaii
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn’t see anyone so he opened it.
A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, “For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one.”
The man thought for a minute and said, “I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I’m afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.”
The genie thought for a few minutes and said, “No, I don’t think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask.”
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, “There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they emperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?”
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, “So, do you want two lanes or four?”
A short story…
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of ablaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner’s newly installed fire prevention alarm system. “This is even worse than last year,” said the distraught homeowner, “when someone broke in and stole my new security system…”
You Know Someone Is From Hawaii If…
They have a separate circuit breaker for their rice cooker.
Only NOW they know that cilantro is the same as Chinese parsley.
They measure the water for the rice by the knuckle of their index finger.
They know which market sells poi on which days.
They know that Char Sung Hut is closed on Tuesday.
They can handle shoyu with green mango, li hing mui gummy bears, raw egg on hot rice, and pearl tea (carnation milk in hot water with sugar) with creme crackers.
Their refrigerator has half-empty jar of mango chutney from the ‘95 Punahou Carnival.
The condiments at the table are shoyu, ketchup, chili peppah watah, and kimchee. Also, takuwan, Hawaiian salt, slice onion, and pickle onion.
They go to Maui and their luggage home includes potato chips, manju, cream puffs, and guri guri for omiyage.
They think the four food groups are starch (rice), Spam, fried food, and fruit punch.
A balanced meal has three starches: rice, macaroni, and bread.
They know 101 ways to fix their rubber slippers — 50 using tape, 50 using glue, and one using a stick to poke the strap back in.
They sometimes use their open car door for a dressing room.
They wear two different color slippers together and they don’t mind.
Nice clothes means a T-shirt without puka.
They are barefoot in most of their elementary school pictures.
They have a slipper tan.
Their only suit is a bathing suit.
They drive barefoot.
They have at least five Hawaiian bracelets.
They never ever, under any circumstances, wear socks with slippers, or an aloha shirt that matches their wife’s muumuu.
They still call the Blaisedell Center the HIC and it’s Sandy’s, not Sandy Beach.
They say “I going go for lawnmower da grass” when they mean “I’m going to mow the lawn.”
They can understand every word Bu Lai’a says and they know what his name means.
They have a sister, cousin, auntie, or mom named “Honey Girl” or…..
Someone in the family named Boy, Tita, Bruddah, Sonny, Bachan, Taitai, Popo, or Vovo.
They still chant “Hanaokolele” when a friend or co-worker goofs up.
They say “Shtraight,” “Shtreet,” and “Shtress.”
They say “Da Kine” and the other person says “Da Kine” and they both know what is “Da Kine.”
The “Shaka” and the “Stink Eye” are worth a thousand words.
They’re shopping at Epcot Center at Disneyworld and they may say something to their sister and a complete stranger says, “You’re from Hawai’i, aren’t you?”
They feel guilty leaving a get-together without helping clean up.
The idea of taking something from a heiau is unthinkable.
They call everyone older than themselves “Aunty” or “Uncle” and they kiss everyone in greeting and farewell.
They let other cars ahead of them on the freeway and they give shaka to everyone who lets them in. (And get mad if someone they let in doesn’t say thanks.)
Their philosophy is “Bumbai.”
They would rather drag out the compressor and fill that leaking tire every single morning than have it fixed.
The only time they honk their horn is once a year during the safety check.
If a child needs a home, they give him one. She/He becomes “Hanai.”
They can live and let live with a smile in their heart.
Their male best friend’s name is either Wade, Max, Nathan, or Melvin.
Owns two types of slippers: da “good slippas” and da “buss-up/stay home slippas.”
Does not understand the concept of North, South, East, and West, but instead gives directions as Mauka, Makai, Diamond Head, Ewa, and uses landmarks instead of street names.
The first thing they look for in the Sunday paper is the Long’s ad.
They take off their slippahs before going into the house.
You ask what year they grad and where they grad from, and then you say “eh you know so and so…”
When it’s done, they say “pau!”
Dumb Hawaii Laws
All residents may be fined as a result of not owning a boat.
Coins are not allowed to be placed in one’s ears.
Honolulu
Within the limits of any public park, it is unlawful to annoy any bird. (SEC. 10-1.2)
