Archive for October 28th, 2007

New Yorkers arrived

Sunday, October 28th, 2007

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang.

walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, “God,

there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?”.

God replied, “Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell.”

St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling “God, God, they’re gone, they’re gone!”

“Who, the New Yorkers?”.

“No, the Pearly Gates.”

California Crazy Law

Sunday, October 28th, 2007

Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.

Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!
Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.

Bathhouses are against the law.

In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.

No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.

Women may not drive in a house coat.

It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

Arcadia
Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.

Alhambra
You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.

Baldwin Park
Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

Belvedere
City Council order reads: “No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash.”

Blythe
You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.

Burlingame
It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.

Carmel
Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)

Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.

Chico
Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

Downey
It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).

Hollywood
It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.

Lafayette
You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.

Lodi
It is illegal to own or sell “Silly String”.

Lompoc
It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.

Long Beach
It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.

Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.

Los Angeles
Toads may not be licked.

You may not hunt moths under a street light.

It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.

You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.

Zoot suits are prohibited.

It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.

It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.

Ontario
Roosters may not crow in the city limits.

Pacific Grove
Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.

Palm Springs
It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.

Pasadena
It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

Prunedale
Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.

Redlands
Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.

Riverside
One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o’clock.

San Diego
The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.

It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.

San Francisco
Persons classified as “ugly” may not walk down any street.

Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.

It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.

It is illegal to wipe one’s car with used underwear.

San Jose
It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595

Santa Monica
You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.

Temecula
Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.

Woman’s translations

Sunday, October 28th, 2007

The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It’s your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You’ll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure… go ahead
The wife means: I don’t want you to

The wife says: I’n not upset
The wife means: Of course I’m upset you moron

The wife says: You’re … so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I’m going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you’re not going to like.

The wife says: I’ll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I’m beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I’m sorry
The wife means: You’ll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we’re going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I’m coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I’m not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question “What’s wrong?”

The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It’s just that you’re an idiot.

The wife says: I don’t want to talk about it.
The wife means: I’m still building up steam.

A tribe within Africa

Sunday, October 28th, 2007

There was a tribe in Africa which was very fierce and warring…they would battle all the tribes in the area, and they always won. As a victory trophy, they would take the throne of the chief of the defeated tribe and carry it home, chanting victory chants and singing the whole way. When they got home, they would put the throne in the attic of the grass hut. This went on for quite some time, and soon the throne collection grew, adding to the prestige of the tribe.

One day, they battled a tribe of farily large people, some might call them giants. They won, and they struggled to get the throne home…but the chanting and joyesness prevailed as usual. When they got home, they had the ritual of putting the throne in the attic of the grass hut, but the weight was too much. The ceiling collapsed, killing everyone on the tribe.

The moral: People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

Make the world happier

Sunday, October 28th, 2007

Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists to share their success stories about taxing Americans.

Bill: “Why don’t I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy.”

Hillary: “Well, why don’t you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten people happy.”

Al: “Why don’t you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy.”

Tipper: “Why don’t we all jump out the window and make everybody throughout the United States and world happy.”

High School Hypnotist J.Wand at Cuba City High School clip

Sunday, October 28th, 2007