We Wish You a Happy Halogen

We wish you a happy halogen
We wish you a happy halogen
We wish you a happy halogen
To react with a metal.

Good acid we bring
to you and your base.
We wish you a merry molecule
and a happy halogen.

10. “Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?”

9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.

8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.

7. When you log on, your computer says “You’ve got lawsuits!”

6. You’re suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.

5. Sotheby’s says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.

4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.

3. Terse “Knock it off, Oedipus” e-mail from your Mom.

2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.

1. “The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately.”

10. New seats would require everyone to have the same body size.

9. We’d all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.

8. The U.S. government would get subsidies from an automaker–a first.

7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single “General Car Fault” warning light.

6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but ran on only 5% of the roads.

5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.

4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car 95 or CarNT - but then you would have to buy more seats.

3. Occasionally your car would die for no apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.

2. Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you’d have to buy a new car.

1. People would get excited about the new features of Microsoft cars, forgetting that the same features had been available from other carmakers for years.

Hi, this is Ed. I’m secretly replacing Faisal and Bob with dark sparkling Folger’s Crystals. Leave your name, number, and a brief message and they’ll call you back when they’re nice and percolated. See if you can tell the difference.