A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there.

When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.

His co-worker said to reconsider and that Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, close to Canada, good public transportation, etc.

Then he said: “Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working.”

The first asked, “What did you do there?”

To which the other replied, “I was tail-gunner on a bread truck.”

White Sox Jokes
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Sox fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Sox fans too. Not really knowing what a Sox fan was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. One girl has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. “Because I’m not a Sox fan.”

Then, asks the teacher, what are you?

“Why I’m proud to be a Chicago Cubs fan,” boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the girl why she is a Cubs fan.

“Well, My Dad and Mom are Cubs fans, and I’m a Cubs fan too.”

The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”

A pause, and a smile. “Then,” says the girl, “I’d be a Sox fan.”

“It’s hard to put your finger on it. You have to have a dullness of mind and spirit to play here. I went through pyschoanalysis and that helped me deal with my Cubness.”–Jim Brosnan, former Cubs pitcher

“Noise pollution can’t be that much of a problem. There’s nothing to cheer about.”–State rep. John F. Dunn, arguing for the installation of lights at Wrigley Field

“If I managed the Cubs, I’d be an alcoholic.”–Whitey Herzog

“There’s nothing wrong with this team that more pitching, more fielding and more hitting couldn’t help.”–Bill Buckner

“You get tired of looking at garbage in your own backyard.”–Cubs manager Lee Elia in 1983 about why the Cubs got rid of so many players. Elia was fired later that same season.

“The Cubs were taking batting practice, and the pitching machine threw a no-hitter.”–Radio deejay

“The only bad thing about being released by the Cubs is that they made me keep my season tickets.”–Ken Rietz, ex-Cub third baseman

“Would the lady who left her nine kids at Wrigley Field please pick them up immediately? They are beating the Cubs 4-0 in the 7th inning.”–Radio deejay

“One thing you learn as a Cubs fan: When you bought your ticket, you could bank on seeing the bottom of the ninth.”–Joe Garagiola

“The Chicago Cubs are like Rush Street–a lot of singles, but no action.”–Garagiola again

Q: Did you hear about the new Cubs soup?

A: Two sips and then you choke.

“The latest diet is better than the Pritikin Diet. You eat only when the Cubs win.”–pianist George Shearing

Twenty major events that have occurred since the Chicago Cubs last laid claim to a World Series championship:

1. Radio was invented; Cubs fans got to hear their team lose.

2. TV was invented; Cubs fans got to see their team lose.

3. Baseball added 14 teams; Cubs fans get to see and hear their team lose to more clubs.

4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.

5. Haley’s comet passed Earth twice.

6. Harry Caray was born….and died. Incredible, but true.

7. The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and Chicago teams won championships in each league.

8. Man landed on the moon, as have several home runs given up by Cubs pitchers.

9. Sixteen U.S. presidents were elected.

10. There were 11 amendments added to the Constitution.

11. Prohibition was created and repealed.

12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered and became the subject of major motion pictures, the latest giving Cubs fans hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.

13. Wrigley Field was built and becomes the oldest park in the National League.

14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field roof to hold all of the team’s future World Series pennants. Those flag poles have since rusted and been taken down.

15. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympics have been held.

16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown; several thanked Cubs pitchers.

17. Bell-bottoms came in style, went out of style and came back in.

18. The Chicago White Sox, Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox and the Florida Marlins have all won the World Series.

19. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games; they lost the majority of them.

20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma and New Mexico were added to the Union.

A wicked Chicago man died and went to the place all wicked people go. The Devil decided to shove him in a room and cranked the heat and humidity up.

The man smiled. When the Evil One asked why the man was smiling he said: “Just like Chicago in Spring”

So the Most Evil One cranked up the heat and humidity more. The man removed his coat, smiled, and said:

“Just like Chicago in Summer”

This time the Destroyer of Beauty cranked the heat and humidity to maximum.

The man removed his shirt and tie and said

“Just like Chicago in August”

The Devil then got an idea. He shut off the heat and turned on the air conditioning. The room froze in seconds. Ice was everywhere. Polar bears hid in dens because it was so cold. Satan, confident he had finally won, peaked in the man’s room only to find the man cheering and partying frantically….

“The Cubs won the World Series…The Cubs won the World Series…”

Going to Chicago
There was this blonde who bought a coach ticket to go to Chicago. She boards the plane and sits in the first class area. The flight attendant approaches her and says “Excuse miss, your ticket says coach so you’ll have to move to the coach area.”

The blonde explains, “I’m blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to Chicago.”

The flight attendant leaves and explains the situation to the head flight attendant. A few minutes later, the head flight attendant approaches her and says “Excuse miss, your ticket says coach so you’ll have to move to the coach area.”

The blonde explains, “I’m blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to Chicago.”

The flight attendants look at each other in amazement and decide to get assistance from the captain. A few minutes later, the head flight attendant approaches her and says “Excuse miss, your ticket says coach so you’ll have to move to the coach area.”

The blonde explains, “I’m blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to Chicago.”

The captain shakes his head, then bends down and whispers in the blonde’s ear. A moment later, she gets up from her seat suddenly, grabs her luggage, and rushes over to the coach area.

One of the flight attendants asks the captain, “What on Earth did you say to her?”

The captain explains, “I told her first class wasn’t going to Chicago.”

You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.

I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.

The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse.

Just before he rode off, I yelled out,

“What was all that about?”

He replied,

“Nothing. It’s just a stage I’m going through.”

New Corporate Buzz Words for the 90’s

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, and then leaves.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. “We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists.”

Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. “Ask Larry, he’s the Alpha Geek around here.

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. “Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa.”

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

GOOD job: A “Get-Out-Of-Debt” job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of attacking an electronic device to get it to work again.

Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: “You have reached the number of an uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance.” See also Decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the appropriate keys for commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.” So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: “That will be $36.50 please.” The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. “What, no drink for me?” replies the bartender. “Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.”