10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is “Huntin”.

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

1. The mouse is referred to as a “critter”.

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn’t eat?

Shut up and eat your meat loaf.

Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?

Shut up, we haven’t even finished your Grandmother yet.

Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sister’s guts.

Shut up and eat what’s put in front of you.

Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquent child?

Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.

Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquent child?

Shut up and pass me the crowbar.

What’s the latest dope — besides you?

I heard that they tried to take an X-ray picture of your jaw, but all they got was a moving picture.

You don’t believe in being artificial. You want people to hate you for yourself.

When people cut their fingers you cry over it just so that you can get salt in the wound.

Hey, I heard you went to the butcher and asked for 10 cents worth of dog meat and he asked you if you wanted it wrapped or if you would eat it on the spot.

If I said anything to you that I should be sorry for, I’m glad.

You were born because your mother didn’t believe in abortion; now she believes in infanticide.

I admire you because I’ve never had the courage it takes to be a liar, a thief, and a cheat.

You’re acquitting yourself in such a way that no jury ever would.

You have a face only a mother could love — and she hates it!

You never strike out blindly; you fail in the light.

They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.

The story of someone getting a haircut.

Women’s version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men’s version:

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

A preacher is buying a parrot.

“Are you sure it doesn’t scream, yell, or swear?” asked the preacher.

“Oh absolutely. It’s a religious parrot,” the storekeeper assures him.

“Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord’s prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.”

“Wonderful!” says the preacher, “but what happens if you pull both strings?”

“I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!” screeched the parrot.

O’Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

“Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”