This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

The English Language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let’s face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don’t fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn’t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn’t the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn’t a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

Mommy, Mommy! I like my brother very much.

All right, you can take another slice.

Mommy, Mommy! I don’t want to empty the compost heap.

Shut up and keep eating.

Mommy, Mommy! I don’t like fishing.

Shut up and stop squirming.

Mommy, Mommy! Suzi got run over by a steamroller.

Shut up. I’m in the bathroom, slide her under the door.

[Alt answer] Shut up and get the maple syrup.

“Come upstairs, son, like a good boy.”

“No, Mommy, you’ll only throw me down again.”

A witch joke
Why did the witch join the football club?
Because she heard they were looking for a new sweeper!

A witch joke
What do you call a witch that climbs up walls?
Ivy!

A witch joke
Why was the witch late for the party?
She’d lost her witch-watch!

A witch joke
What happened when the witch went for a job as a TV presenter?
The producer said that she had the perfect face for radio!

A witch joke
What do you call a witch with one leg?
Eileen!

A witch joke
What is the best way of stopping infection from witch bites?
Don’t bite any witches!

A witch joke
What should you expect if you drop in on a witches home unexpectedly?
Pot luck!