Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two–one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets.

Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out.

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.

Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.

Q: How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes him seven weeks to get there.
Note: topical to the Falkland Islands war.

Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.

Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they can all see by the light at the end of the tunnel.

Q: How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant “Fight Darkness!”

The 4 Basic Food Groups for Police Officers

1. Glazed
2. Jelly
3. Powdered
4. Chocolate Frosted

The Top Bad Response For Guys To Give To The “How Do I Look” Question

“That’s a great outfit honey but Halloween was 6 weeks ago.”

“I ain’t seen a caboose that big since Amtrak left town.”

“Uh-uh, the last time I answered that question, I went temporarily blind.”

“Ssshhh, the games on right now..go look in the mirror, that’s what its there for!!”

“Oh man, I’m gonna lose my lunch.”

“Like the girl I was with yesterday.”

“Like someone in dire need for some liposuction.”

“Well, if I close my eyes, just like my previous, prettier girlfriend.”

“How can I put this…MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, “Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.”

So the Doberman says, “I love liver and cheese.” The Collie replies, “That’s not good enough.”

The Bulldog says, “I hate liver and cheese.” She says, “That’s not creative enough.”

Finally, the Chihuahua says, “Liver alone . . . cheese mine.”

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I don’t succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator’s Society) if they ever get it organized.

Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If you know how many, you can’t know if they’ve done it yet.

Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If you want to know how many, you can observe them as they come in the door. But if not observed, they come in waves.

Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The probability that the light bulb will actually be changed in any time interval is independent of how long you’ve been waiting.

Q: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They use them as controls in double blind trials.

Q: How many company biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four; one to write the proposal, one to design the bulb-changer, one to design the bulb-fetcher, and one to design the bulb.

Q: How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; he designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old one and screw itself in.

Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a lot of light bulbs!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Ferdie!
Ferdie who?
Ferdie last time open this door!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Ferrer!
Ferrer who?
Ferrer’vrything there is a season!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Fez!
Fez who?
Fez me, that’s who!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Fiddlesticks!
Fiddlesticks?
Fiddlesticks (Feet’ll stick) out if the blanket is too short!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Figs!
Figs who?
Figs the doorbell, it’s broken!

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records.

At one point the auditor exclaimed, “Mr. Carelton, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile.”

“Thank goodness,” returned Mr. Carelton, with a giant grin on his face, “I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash.”

With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic.

To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies.

I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator.

As a reminder, I wrote at the top: “IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN.”

When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message:

“MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT ‘OUT OF IT.”‘