The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

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An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the banker said, “Preacher, why did you ask us to come?”

The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I want to go.”

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Sunday, November 29, 1992

The Los Angeles Department of Water and Power (DWP) was ordered to pay $333,000 in penalties to Inyo County because DWP’s property tax payment arrived late — after having been sent back for $3.40 in additional postage.

You Know You’re Too Stressed If…

You can achieve a “Runner’s High” by sitting up.

The Sun is too loud.

Trees begin to chase you.

You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.

You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

You can hear mimes.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.

Things become “Very Clear.”

You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

You begin speaking in a language that only you and Chanelers can understand.

The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.

You and Reality file for divorce.

You can skip without a rope.

It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe and Everything else, but can’t quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

You can travel without moving. Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Fred!
Fred who?
Fred Badge of Courage!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Frederick!
Frederick who?
Frederick Express!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Freddie!
Freddie who?
Freddie or not here I come!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Freighter!
Freighter who?
Freighter open the door!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Fresno!
Fresno who?
Rudolf the Fresno reindeer…!