Q: How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six–four to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it in.

Q: How many SAS men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to shout GO! GO! GO!

Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two–one to say “She’ll be right mate” and one to fetch the beers.

Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 16. One to change the bulb and 15 to say “Good on yer, mate!”

Q: How many armies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up really easily after only trying for a little while, the Italians to make a start, get nowhere, and then try again from the other side, the Americans to turn up late and finish it off and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening.

Q: How many Scousers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but 200 had to apply for the job.

Q: How many Liverpool supporters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 96. One to change it and 95 to get killed in the crush when the whole city turns up to watch.

Note: Topical to the Hillsborough disaster.

Q: How many cryonicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four - One to ensure that the light bulb is certifiably dead, one to perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to liquid nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred years for technology to advance sufficiently to revive it.

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Corduroy pillows: they’re making headlines!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

A ghost joke
What do ghosts have in the seats of their cars?
Sheet belts!

A ghost joke
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!

A cannibal joke
Why did the Scottish cannibal live on a sugar plantation?
He said ”So that I can feed my lads with m’lasses!

A cannibal joke
Why would the cannibal only eat babies?
He was on a diet!

A ghost joke
Where do ghosts go on holiday?
The Ghosta Brava!

A vampire joke
Why wouldn’t the vampire eat his soup?
It clotted!

A skeleton joke
Why did the skeleton run up a tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!

Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.

“I didn’t sleep with my wife before I was married,” said one clergyman self-righteously, “Did you?”

“I don’t know,” said the other. “What was her maiden name?”

Prove that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.

Lemma 1. The crocodile is longer than it is green: Let’s look at the crocodile. It is long on the top and on the bottom, but it is green only on the top. Therefore, the crocodile is longer than it is green.

Lemma 2. The crocodile is greener than it is wide: Let’s look at the crocodile. It is green along its length and width, but it is wide only along its width. Therefore, the crocodile is greener than it is wide.

From Lemma 1 and Lemma 2 we conclude that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Gertie!
Gertie who!
Gertie laundry!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Ghana!
Ghana who!
Ghana dance!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Ghent!
Ghent who!
Ghent out of here!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Gilda!
Gilda who!
Gilda umpire!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Gina!
Gina who!
Gina you don’t recognize me!

Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So … the one flies over and the other one swims through-which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of course, because “Da oily boid gets da woim.”

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A witch joke
Why do witches scratch themselves all the time?
Because they’re the only ones who know where a witch itches!

A vampire joke
Do you know that Dracula wants to be a comedian?
He’s still looking for a crypt writer though!

A werewolf joke
What do you call an extinct hairy beast?
A were-wolf!

A ghost joke
Where do mummies go if they want to swim?
The Dead Sea!

A werewolf joke
What happens if you cross a werewolf and a sheep?
You have to get a new sheep!

A vampire joke
Why are vampire families so close?
Because blood is thicker than water!

A werewolf joke
What is fearsome, hairy and drinks from the wrong side of a glass?
A werewolf with hiccups!

10. It doesn’t take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.

9. When was the last time you tuned in to “Melrose Place” and got a “Error 404″ message?

8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV–even on MTV.

7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.

6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.

5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an “Under Construction” sign.

4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.

3. You just can’t find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.

2. Set-top boxes don’t beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.

1. You can’t surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.

One day there was a woman who lost her cat named “LOVE.” It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York. So, thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him.

When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very honestly, “I’m looking for LOVE.” The policeman arrested her on the spot.