One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

“You aren’t going to catch many fish that way,” said the businessman to the fisherman, “you should be working rather than lying on the beach!”

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, “And what will my reward be?”

“Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!” was the businessman’s answer.

“And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, “You will make money and you’ll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!” “And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman’s questions. “You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!” he said.

“And then what will my reward be?” repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. “Don’t you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!”

Once again the fisherman asked, “And then what will my reward be?”

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, “Don’t you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won’t have a care in the world!”

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, “And what do you think I’m doing right now?”

MCDONELL DOUGLASS
AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES

Important! Important!

Please fill out and mail this card
within tee days of purchase.

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell
Douglas military aircraft. In order
to protect your new investment, please
take a few moments to fill out the
warranty registration card below.

Answering the survey questions is not
required, but the information will help
us to develop new products that best
meet your needs and desires.

1. _Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss _Lt.
_Gen. _Comrade _Classified _Other

First Name ______________
Initial__________________
Last Name________________

Latitude_________________
Longitude________________

Altitude_________________
Password_________________
Code name________________

2. Which model aircraft did you
purchase?

__F-14 Tomcat __F-15 Eagle __F-16 Falcon
__F-119A Stealth __Classified

3. Date of purchase:
Month_____Day_____
Year______________

4. Serial Number______

5. Please check where this
product was purchased:

_Received as Gift/Aid Package
_Catalog Showroom
_Sleazy Arms Broker
_Mail Order
_Discount Store
_Government Surplus
_Hijacked it using one of our spies
_Classified

6. Please check how you became aware
of the McDonnell Douglas product you
have just purchased:

_Heard loud noise, looked up
_Store Display
_Espionage
_Recommended by friend/relative/ally
_Political lobbying by Manufacturer
_Was attacked by one
_Was bombed by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors
which most influenced your decision to
purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

_Style/Appearance
_Kickback/Bribe
_Recommended by salesperson
_Speed/Maneuverability
_Comfort/Convenience
_McDonnell Douglas Reputation
_Advanced Weapons Systems
_Price/Value
_Back-Room Politics
_Negative experience opposing one
in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where
this product will be used:

_Latin America
_South America
_Aircraft Carrier
_Europe
_Middle East
_Africa
_Asia/Far East
_Misc. Third-World Countries
_Classified

9. Please check the products that you
currently own, or intend to purchase
in the near future:

Product Own Intend to purchase

ICBM
Killer Satellite
Air-to-Air Missiles
Space Shuttle
Nuclear Weapon
Hydrogen/Neutron Bomb
Light Sabre
X-Wing Fighter
Millenium Falcon
Imperial Star Destroyer
Death Star

10. How would you describe yourself or
your organization? Check all that
apply:

_Communist/Socialist
_Terrorist
_Islamic Fundamentalist
_Zionist
_Nazi
_Neutral
_Democratic
_Dictatorship
_Corrupt (Latin American)
_Corrupt (Other)
_Primitive/Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell
Douglas product?

_Cash
_Suitcases of Cocaine
_Oil Revenues
_Deficit Spending
_Personal Check
_Credit Card
_Ransom Money
_Traveller’s Check
_Swiss bank account transactions
_Counterfeit $100 bills

12. Occupation You Your Spouse

Revolutionary
Clerical
Mercenary
Tyrant
Corporate CEO
Dictator
Oil Billionaire
Drug Lord
Defense Minister/General
Retired
Student

13. To help us understand our Customers’
lifestyles, please indicate all the
interests and activities in which you
and your spouse enjoy participating in
on a regular basis:

Activity/Interest You Spouse

Sabotage
Propaganda/Disinformation
Destabilizing/Overthrow
Bankruptcy
Industrial Espionage
Black Market/Smuggling
Interrogation/Torture
Crushing Rebellions
Military Reconnaissance
Border Disputes
Mutually Assured Destruction
Golf

Thanks for taking the time to fill out
this questionnaire. Your answers will
be used in market studies that will
help McDonnell Douglas serve you better
in the future — as well as allowing
you to receive mailings and special
offers from other companies, governments,
extremist groups, and mysterious
consortia.

Comments or suggestions about our
fighter planes? Please write to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800
St. Louis, MO 55500

This is for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you do any of these things on the first day of class or for that matter, on any day of class.

1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, “Quite right, old bean!”

2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector.

3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.

4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.

5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond “that’s my name, don’t wear it out!”

6. Introduce yourself to the class as the “master of the pan flute”.

7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow.

8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.

9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.

10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.

11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.

12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.

13. Sing your questions.

14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.

15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream “THAT’S MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry.”

16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O’Reilly.

17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.

18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you’ve done so.

19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters “CHECK YOUR FLY”.

20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.

21. Stare continually at the professor’s crotch. Occassionally lick your lips.

22. Address the professor as “your excellency”.

23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he’s been drinking.

24. Shout “WOW!” after every sentence of the lecture.

25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.

26. Ask whether you have to come to class.

27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket.

28. Bring a “seeing eye rooster” to class.

29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, “Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?” Become aggitated when the professor can’t understand you.

30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.

31. Watch the professor through binoculars.

32. Start a “wave” in a large lecture hall.

33. Ask to introduce your “invisible friend” in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.

34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream “AAAGH! MY EYES!”

35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it’s Smith. Claim that the i is silent.

36. Sit in the front row reading the professor’s graduate thesis and snickering.

37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor’s reply and proceed to do so anyway.

38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.

39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream “IMPOSTER!”

40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.

41. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write “Signup Sheet #5″ at the top, and start passing it around the room.

42. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the professor answers.

43. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for “stud”.

44. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, “Can you spell that?”

45. Disassemble your pen. “Accidently” propel pieces across the room while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.

46. Wink at the professor every few minutes.

47. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.

48. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.

49. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.

50. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can’t see Macedonia.

This above was written by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Bellevue, WA

There’s a story circulating through the Bellevue School District about the woman who called wanting information on home schooling.

Both Lake Washington (Renton, WA) and Bellevue districts are noted for their support of home schoolers, and the Bellevue spokesperson was explaining procedures and what to do to the mother on the telephone.

Among other things, the mother needed to file a declaration of intent, a kind of home school registration. The spokeswoman offered to send out the proper form.

The mother gave a Renton address.

The spokeswoman suggested registering the children in her home district in Renton, the Lake Washington School District.

“No way,” said the mother. “Everyone knows Bellevue schools are much better than Renton schools.”