The Top 10 Signs You’re Flying On A Bad Airline

The engine’s being held on by duct tape.

You see the Gorilla from those old Samsonite commercials running loose up and down the aisles.

In-flight movie has “Ernest” in its title.

Pilot informs you that you’re at cruising altitude and he’s gonna put the top down.

Instead of Peanuts, you get a healthy helping of SPAM.

As you’re taking off, the stewardess mentions the phrase “Guest Pilot Program”

The seats are wet due to flotation device moisture.

The stewardess asks you to join the Mile High Club…”she” has a beard and bigger arms than you!

Pilot asks if there is anyone else who wants a shot of Beam before he finishes the bottle.

You look down and see a copy of “Fixing a Plane for Dummies” by the mechanic’s feet!!!

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull.” Buddy didn’t move.

Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull.” Buddy didn’t respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Jennie, pull.” Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull.” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, “Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”

City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam

Name:____________________
Gang:________________________

1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?

2. If Jose has two ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn’t cut it?

3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?

4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4×4. If he has stolen 2 BMW’s and 3 4×4’s, how many Chevy’s will he have to steal to make $800?

6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing her since she spent his money?

7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

8. Hector knocked up six girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?

An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats.

Q: What is the definition of an optimist?
A: An accordion player with a pager.

Q: What is the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A: The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

Q: What do accordion players use as a contraceptive?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What’s the range of an accordion?
A: Twenty yards if you’ve got a good arm!

Q: What’s a gentleman?
A: Somebody who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn’t.

Q: What’s the difference between an onion and an accordion?
A: No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.

Q: What’s the difference between an accordion player and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathisers.

Q: What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides.

Q: What’s the difference between an accordion and a concertina?
A: The accordion takes longer to burn.

Q: How do you protect a valuable instrument?
A: Hide it in an accordion case.

Q: What’s an accordion good for?
A: Learning how to fold a map.

Q: What’s the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion?
A: A chainsaw can be tuned.

Q: Why is it good that accordionists have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
A: So they don’t disgrace themselves in parades.

A history joke
What was King Arthur’s favourite game?
Knights and crosses!

A history joke
Where was the Declaration of Independance signed?
At the bottom!

A history joke
Did they play tennis in ancient Egypt?
Yes, the bible tells how Joseph served in Pharoah’s court!

A history joke
Wish I had been born 1000 years ago!

Why is that?
Just think of all the history that I wouldn’t have to learn!

A history joke
Did the Native Americans hunt bear!

Not in the winter!

Little Willie asked his mother: “Mamma, don’t soldiers ever go to heaven?”

“Of course they do!” protested his mother. “What makes you ask?”

“There are so many soldiers with beards but I never saw any pictures of angels with beards.”

“Oh, that’s because most men who go to Heaven get there by a close shave.”

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

“I love cats…they taste just like chicken”

“Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.”

“Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician”

“I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car….”

“Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!”

“I souport publik edekasion”

“We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.”

“Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?”

“Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy.”